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Funny Metaphors

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by es, Jul 20, 2006.

  1. *Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their
    collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school
    essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of
    teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners . . .

    1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
    sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

    2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
    like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

    3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience,
    like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
    without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around
    the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking
    at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

    4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was
    room-temperature Canadian beef.

    5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
    makes just before it throws up.

    6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

    8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
    because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
    surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

    9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
    bowling ball wouldn't.

    10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
    filled with vegetable soup.

    11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
    eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another
    city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30

    12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

    13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when
    you fry them in hot grease.

    14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
    across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
    one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
    other from Topeka at
    4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

    15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
    fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

    16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
    who had also never met.

    17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was
    the East River.

    18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
    only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

    19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

    20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
    Phil, this plan just might work.

    21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
    eating for a while.

    22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
    either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping
    on a land mine or something.

    23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one
    slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

    24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
    with power tools.

    25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
    bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  2. Don't laugh, one of these illiterate bozos will win a Pulitzer Prize one day......
  3. Go go gadget analogy!

    Brilliant stuff :D
  4. I do like number 20 though...

    and number 9 is a bit of a rip-off of one of my favourite Douglas Adams lines...

    "The vogon spaceships hung in the air in much the same way that bricks don't."
  5. Where would these people be without, like, the word "like"??? :LOL:
  6. Loving number eight, and fourteen is pretty clever too.
  7. Good point Paul. Eswen, you need to do better research, at least 14 of these are Similes not Metaphors... :wink:

    ** Who's wearing the clever trousers now, eh?**
  8. PMSL, the guys at work are all staring at me laughing, exactly like, like guys at work are want to do when people are laughing.
  9. I like this one; it's written as if they ACTUALY teach English in the USA

  10. They might be English teachers, like you know, like from England... :roll:
  11. in my autobiography, stumpy's birthday, chapter 'the accident' reads as;

    i looked up to a clear blue sky through my smashed visor. the little pieces o plastic dangled over my eyes like a dag hanging off the backside of a sheep.