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Friday Jokes

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by bambam_101, Jul 5, 2007.

  1. Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day he comes across a Harley with a 'For Sale' sign on it.

    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

    "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

    Naturally, they take the bike there.

    But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

    "No problem," he says. And in they go.

    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

    They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

    Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

    Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the f***ing dishes!"


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after
    dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Center to sit,
    smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his accomplishments and reflect
    on his long life.

    One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden. They begin to
    chat, and before they know it, several hours had passed. After a short

    lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred asks, "Do you know

    what I miss most of all?"

    She asks, "What?"

    "SE*!!" he replies.

    Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held
    a gun to your head!"

    "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
    hold it for a while."

    "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
    his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
    secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and
    Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

    Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
    Alarmed
    Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK. She walked
    around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool

    with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!

    Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing Bastard! ----- What does
    Ethel have that I don't have?"

    Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's..."
     
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  2. I thought he wanted a mototrbike? :rofl: :LOL:
     
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  3. :LOL: Yeah, I was thinking his luck hadn't changed either! :LOL:
     
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  4. An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent to interview him.

    "Chief Two Eagles," asked one Official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

    The Chief nodded in agreement.

    The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

    The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it."

    "No taxes."

    "No debt."

    "Plenty buffalo."

    "Plenty beaver."

    "Women did all the work."

    "Medicine man free."

    "Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."

    Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."


    **************


    Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

    The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

    The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

    The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

    The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, very tall, with long blonde hair, blue/green eyes, long shapely legs, very large boobs, and she's wearing real tight white shorts, a very low cut tight halter top, no bra, six inch spike heels, long dangling ear rings and a large diamond embedded in her navel. What does your wife look like?"

    The old guy excitedly stammers, "It really doesn't matter ------ let's look for yours.



    **************


    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
    the roadside eating grass.

    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat
    grass."

    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer
    said.

    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,under
    that tree."

    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

    Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
    and SIX children with me!"

    "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
    the limousine was.

    Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir,
    you are too kind."
    "Thank you for taking all of us with you."

    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.You'll really love my place.The grass is
    almost a foot high

    An elderly couple, Roy and Bessie, are living in Texas.
    **********************
    >
    > Roy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on
    > sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks
    > into the house and says to his wife,
    >
    > "Notice anything different about me?"
    >
    > Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."
    >
    > Frustrated Roy storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
    > into the room completely naked except for the boots.
    > Again, he asks, a little louder this time,
    >
    > "Notice anything different NOW?"
    >
    > Bessie looks up and says,
    > "Roy, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down
    > yesterday, and it will be hanging down again tomorrow."
    >
    > Furious, Roy yells,
    >
    > "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
    >
    > IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT IS LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS*! *"
    >
    > To which Bessie replies,
    > "Should'a bought a hat, Roy... Ya should'a bought a hat."


    In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
    Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young
    bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
    distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee
    and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply
    embedded in it.

    As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his
    hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
    The elephant turned to face the man, and w ith a rather curious look on its
    face, stared at him for several tense moments.

    Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
    Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

    Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the event of that day.

    Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen
    aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
    turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
    The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe,lifted its front foot off the
    ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted
    loudly, all the while staring at the man.

    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
    was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
    railing and made his way into the enclosure.
    He walked right up to t he elephant and stared back in wonder.

    The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs
    and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

    Probably wasn't the same elephant.
     
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  5. A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min .
    A beer shortens your life by 4 min .
    A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!

    I REST MY CASE!!!! I'm going home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
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  6. Kids are Quick

    TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

    MARIA: Here it is.

    TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

    CLASS: Maria.

    ____________________________________


    TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

    JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

    __________________________________________


    TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

    GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

    TEACHER: No, that's wrong

    GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

    ____________________________________________


    TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

    DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

    TEACHER: What are you talking about?

    DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

    __________________________________

    TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

    WINNIE: Me!

    __________________________________________



    TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

    GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

    _______________________________________


    TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

    MILLIE: I is...

    TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

    MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

    ______________ ___________________


    TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

    LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

    ______________________________________


    TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

    CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

    ___________________________________

    TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

    HAROLD: A teacher
     
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  7. A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

    Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

    "RUB MY NIPPLES,
    RUB MY NIPPLES,
    RUB MY NIPPLES!"

    The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
    in front of a growing crowd of customers.

    The manager comes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"
    She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also told her that
    he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

    Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,

    "RUB MY NIPPLES,
    RUB MY NIPPLES,
    RUB MY NIPPLES!"
    and doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

    In shock, the store manager pleads,
    "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

    In a huff, the woman says,







    "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
    MY NIPPLES RUBBED
    WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!"

    The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
     
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  8. A man driving in Alice spots an Abo by the side of the road with a stiffy. He pulls up and asks

    "What are you doing?"

    "I'm telling the time"

    200 ks later he passes 3 more until he spots one having a wank

    "What are you doing?"

    "I'm winding up my watch"
     
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