Welcome to Netrider ... Connecting Riders!

Interested in talking motorbikes with a terrific community of riders?
Signup (it's quick and free) to join the discussions and access the full suite of tools and information that Netrider has to offer.

Friday Funny

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by foot69, Jan 20, 2014.

  1. Weather in Scotland
    I Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

    She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
    • Funny Funny x 9
    • Like Like x 2
  2. Lewinsky Update...

    After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror - remembering her time with Bill Clinton.

    Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided
    to call on God for help: "God, if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

    And just like that, her ears fell off.
    • Like Like x 4
    • Funny Funny x 3
  3. A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

    "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

    "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

    The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So ,Murphy, how was your day?"

    Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

    "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

    "The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

    "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

    "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes,
    taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts:

    'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! for five years I have not seen any man!'"

    "Tunderin' lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

    "I put drops in her eyes."
    • Funny Funny x 3
  4. My ex wife apologised for the first time ever today.
    She said she's sorry she ever married me.
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  5. I realized I am still missing my ex. However my aim is improving.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. Remember you need to "lead" her if she is moving
  7. A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

    She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

    In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

    It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU..

    The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

    As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

    She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

    Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

    She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!

    While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!

    For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!'

    The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed..

    The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
    • Funny Funny x 6
  8. My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it
    everything she had, until a fart that from both sound and stench, had obviously
    followed through. She was horrified.
    "Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly
    natural during birth. Isn't that right, nurse?"
    "Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father.
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  9. There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Welshman...
    It used to be a Scotsman, but he wants to go it alone so fcuk him
    • Like Like x 2
  10. A group of Muslim separatists are sat outside a train station one looks at the rest
    and says "I dont know about you but I could murder a Chinese."
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never
    look as good as that."
    "Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."
    "Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"
    "Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  12. A drunk was in line at the supermarket watching the lady in front put through her groceries.
    2 litres of milk
    500 grams of butter
    A packet of cornflakes
    packet of pasta
    Jar of spaghetti sauce
    He says to her "you're single aren't you?
    She looks at her groceries and wonders how the hell he knows that from her purchase.
    Curiosity gets the better of her and she replies " yes I am but how did you know"
    the drunk replies" Cause your ugly"
  13. Don't shoot at where she was, shoot at where she is going to be.
  14. your place??
    • Like Like x 2
  15. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

    "Yes, Father, it is."

    "And who was the girl you were with?"

    "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

    "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

    "I cannot say."

    "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

    "I'll never tell."

    "Was it Nina Capelli?"

    "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

    "Was it Cathy Piriano?"

    "My lips are sealed."

    "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

    "Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

    "Four months vacation and five good leads..."
  16. Went duck shooting a few year ago with a mate of mine. I shot a duck as it flew over a lake. The duck fell into the water and was just floating there, We didnt have a boat, so my mate whistled to his dog "Bluey Fetch!" he comanded. The dog proceeded to run across the top of the lake, plucked the duck out of the water and ran back with the duck in its mouth. I said to my mate "Did you see that?" He said yeh, the stupid thing can't swim!
    • Like Like x 2
    And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

    My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
    • Like Like x 6
    • Funny Funny x 2
  18. A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

    "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

    Little Jimmy says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

    The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Jimmy , decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

    "And how about you, Sarah?"

    "I wanna be Jimmy ’s whore."
    • Like Like x 9
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Winner Winner x 3
  19. Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1