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Friday Funny - Pilot Chat

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by pvda, Mar 22, 2007.

  1. In honour of the Air Show being on this weekend.

    This is supposed to be genuine but being the internet you never know......




    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

    Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
    United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the
    little Fokker in sight."

    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
    San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
    Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
    "Because you lost the bloody war!"

    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
    Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."!
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
    been to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

    While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
    Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You an expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
    You got that, US Air 2771?"
    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
    Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
    Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
    Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
     
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  2. But surely the Aer Lingus story is the best...

    Tower: "Aer Lingus 431 pilot, what is your height and position?"

    Pilot: "I'm 6' 2" and I'm sitting in the front of the plane."
     
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  3. SR71 crew: "Request flight level 800"(80,000 feet for the uninitiated)
    ATC: "Flight level 800......if you reckon you can get that high it is all yours!"
    SR71 crew: "Roger, cleared flight level 800, leaving one twenty thousand"

    Civil airliner in Britain comes into Heathrow in bad weather. The approach is very turbulent and the landing is very hard. Once at the gate all the passengers stream off leaving one little old lady who is patiently letting everyone get off first. She finally gets up and as she walks past the flight attendant at the door she asks:
    "Dear, did we land or were we shot down?"

    This one is fair dinkum for real:
    Darwin airport during a major military exercise. A P3C Orion is taxiing for takeoff on the long runway at Darwin. All exercise military aircraft are given exercise specific callsigns that are randomly picked. Today's list was the names of planets(Mercury, Venus etc). As per usual Darwin is very busy and the tower needs to get the Orion airborne ASAP so it doesn't get in the way of a Qantas jet a couple of minutes from landing:
    Tower: "Uranus, for sequencing, can you make an intersection departure?" which means starting to takeoff from part way down the runway instead of taxiing all the way to the end.
    Without even thinking the copilot answers using the proper phraseology: "Ah..negative. Uranus requires the full length."
    There was a long silence from the tower before the controller finally managed to choke back his tears of laughter to say "Roger!"
    By which time the Orion had come to a halt on the taxiway because the Captain was doubled over in laughter and couldn't keep the aircraft straight!
     
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  4. After a real err 'enthusiastic' anding in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until the Captain has brought the aircraft to the gate and the engines are shut down. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the doors and you may pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
     
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  5. www.avweb.com has one every week with aviation news.. always a laugh
    and i recently went to www.flycolumbia.com they have a page dedicated to atc (air traffic control) communications with pilots in their aircraft its quite funny :)
     
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  6. I can recommend this guy, he is so funny. I heard it back in the mid 80's when I worked for the MOD.

    http://www.cmmol.net/david_gunson.htm

    Working at a military airfield and with access to pretty snazzy radio stuff, I used to listen in to the ATC for Farnborough and Blackbushe. I was always surprised with some of the calls. Especially the guy who got lost and was being asked what he could see out of his windows....

    ATC. So, if you look right, can you see a white building?
    Pilot. No
    ATC. Mmm, so that's not you then...

    The pilot who was admonished for interruption and ATC call. There's something about being sternly told off by a lady :p

    The pilots who used to tell the ATC that were going to Southampton via British Rail....
     
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  7. Peter Fitzsimmons tells a f'ing hilarious story about Fokkers on his CD. Absolutely brilliant.
     
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  8. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: brilliant stuff
     
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  9. Basic Flying Rules:
    1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
    2. Do not go near the edges of it.
    3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

    Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
    Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."

    Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled aircraft on the right."
    Pilot: "123DG, Roger, I have the disabled aircraft in sight, but I don't see the bear yet."
     
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  10. A few years back, Aer Lingus was thinking of amalgamating with the British ship company, Cunard.
    Thankfully they changed the original merged name to Aer Cunard....
     
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  11. Gold!!
    Great find
     
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  12. What a great laugh thanks guys!

    Over :grin:
     
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  13. Not planes, but boats. I like this one:


    Transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

    Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
     
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  14. hahahhaha Pete, heard that one before, but with the english and the irish
     
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  15. :applause: Those are so good!

    You've probibly heard these ones already, but they are too good.

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.

    Problem - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    Solution - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

    Problem - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
    Solution - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

    Problem - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
    Solution - No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

    Problem - Something loose in cockpit.
    Solution - Something tightened in cockpit.

    Problem - Dead bugs on windshield.
    Solution - Live bugs on backorder.

    Problem - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
    Solution - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    Problem - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    Solution - Evidence removed.

    Problem - DME volume unbelievably loud.
    Solution - Volume set to more believable level.

    Problem - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    Solution - That's what they are there for!

    Problem - IFF inoperative.
    Solution - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    Problem - Suspected crack in windscreen.
    Solution - Suspect you're right.

    Problem - Number 3 engine missing.
    Solution - Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    Problem - Aircraft handles funny.
    Solution - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."

    Problem - Target radar hums.
    Solution - Reprogrammed target radar with words.

    Problem - Mouse in cockpit.
    Solution - Cat installed.
     
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  16. One of my favorate Airline stories from the ground...

    An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    During the final days at the old Stapleton airport, a crowded flight was cancelled.

    A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F### you."

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

    The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry.
     
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  17. ROFL there some good stuff there, heard any of the convos between pilots and their mechanics?

    Pilot: there sounds like theres a midget with a hammer under the control colum

    Mechanic: Hammer removed
     
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  18. You missed one of my favourite ones from the same list:

    A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
     
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