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Friday funnies

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by removed-6, Jul 20, 2007.


    What is a Yankee?
    The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
    The position of the dirt bag.

    Why is divorce so expensive?
    Because it's worth it.

    What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
    100 people who don't do dick.

    What do you call a smart blonde?
    A golden retriever.

    What do lawyers use for birth control?
    Their personalities.

    What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
    20 kgs.

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
    45 minutes.

    What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
    Through his chest with a sharp knife.

    Why do men want to marry virgins?
    They can't stand criticism.

    Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends.

    What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

    What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

    A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
    Who has the biggest boobs?
    The blonde, because she's 18.

    What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
    A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

    What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
    "Are you sure it's mine?"

    Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
    Pepper spray will do that to you ..

    Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

    What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
    A speech impediment.

    What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?
    An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
    Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

    What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
    A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
    A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

    Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
    No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
  2. excellent work triway, love it! :applause: :LOL:
  3. so many fcuking criminals, its bullshit hehe, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
    and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
    whatd u think they'd say?
    something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"
  4. hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today
    im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up
    so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check on tampax
    the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push in, or the kind you hammer in?"
    turns out he misheard him
    he thought he said thumbtacs
    you should have seen the look on the chicks face
    til the day i die
    i will never forget it
  5. my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed
    yeah.i sent them to her dad
  6. After a long night of making love, Bob notices a photo of another Man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

    "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

    "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be Reassured.

    "No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

    "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

    "That's me before the surgery."
  7. While I was driving from Newcastle to Sydney the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a traffic-cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

    The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"

    To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

    To which he asked, "What do you do?"

    "I'm a rectum-stretcher," I responded.

    The traffic cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum-stretcher??"

    And just what does a rectum-stretcher do?"

    "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger into a rectum, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole,
    until it's about 6 feet."

    Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole ?"

    To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

    Speeding ticket: $300
    Court costs: $1000
    Look on traffic cop's face: P R I C E L E S S . . .
  8. 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
    2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fcuk.
    3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
    4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
    5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
    6. Ahhh, I see the fcuk-up fairy has visited us again.
    7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    9. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
    10. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
    11. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    12. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    13. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
    14. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
    15. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
    16. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
    17. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
    18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

    Ah I just love no. 2 hehe Laughing
  9. The tax office decides to audit Ralph, and summons him
    to their office.
    The tax auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up
    with his attorney.
    The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant
    lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you
    explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not
    sure the tax office finds that believable."

    "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph.
    "How about a demonstration?"

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay.
    Go ahead."

    Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I
    can bite my own eye."

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a

    Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

    The auditor's jaw drops.

    Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars
    that I can bite my other eye."

    The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes
    the bet.

    Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and
    lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.
    He starts to get nervous.

    "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet
    you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side
    of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the
    other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he
    looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy
    can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
    although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream
    reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much
    urinates all over the desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just
    turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's
    attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says
    the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
    been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand
    dollars that he could come in here and p--ss all over
    your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
  10. Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
    A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

    Q. What's a mixed feeling?
    A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

    Q. What's the height of conceit?
    A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

    Q. What's the definition of macho?
    A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

    Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
    A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

    Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
    A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

    Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
    A. Because it's worth it.

    Q. What is a Yankee?
    A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

    Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
    A. They both like a tight seal.

    Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
    A. Thei r balls are just for decoration.

    Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
    A. About three inches.

    Q Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
    A. For traction in the mud.

    Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
    A. The grip.

    Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
    A. It's not hard.

    Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
    A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

    Q: What's the difference between a girl friend and a wife?
    A: 45 pounds.

    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.

    Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

    Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
    A. The swallow.

    Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
    A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

    Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
    A. They don't have balls to scratch.
  11. Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for my old Age
    Pension. After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the
    counter. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay,
    that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom. I
    told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
    "I'll have to go get it and come back later," I said.

    At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." I was
    confused. I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. She
    said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and, with that,
    she promptly processed my application. When I got home, I couldn't
    wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Pension Office. She
    listened to my whole story and then said, You should have dropped your
    pants; you might have gotten disability too."
  12. Birds and the Bees

    A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

    "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.

    "Promise me you won't tell me."

    Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

    "Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech". At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the there's no Tooth Fairy speech.

    If you tell me that grown-ups don't really screw, I'll have nothing left to live for."
  13. A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:

    "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses they come together again. I come aain and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

    "You foul-mouthed, sex-obsessed swine," says the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.

    "Hey coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi. Laughing Laughing Laughing
  14. A young man comes over to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time, all goes well, they talk for hours and the father has teken a shine especially after seeing the young man drive up in a shiny new EVO IX Razz
    So they sit down to dinner and towards the last course the young man is busting to fart, he just can't hold it any longer so he lets out a little tester that is silent but unfortunately it has some substance....
    The father whiffs the air, looks around then lifts up the table cloth and says "oi, dog - het out!"
    The young man is thinking, "this might not be so bad" and let's out a bit more, again it has some punch and a bit more hang time.
    The father lifts up the table cloth, looks under the tabls and says, louder, "dog! get out, now!"
    The young bloke thinks he's got it made, the dog is going to get in serious trouble and he can just sit back and let it rip. SO he gets himself set and let's out enought give good relief.....
    The father hoiks up the table cloth, nearly climbs under the table and grabs the dog, he yells at the dog - "you stupid mutt, get out from under the damn table before that stinking bastard kills ya!!"