See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my last CD into a store was to take one in there and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this!" "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it." I can't tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved. Let's call this hotel "something Tree." So they had a meeting. It was quite short. "How about tree?" "No." "Double-tree?" "Hell, yeah!" Meeting adjourned! I like to wear "Do-Not-Disturb" signs around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. I'd say "Hey, how you doing, nephew?" "Knock-knock." "Read the sign, punk!" I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk; she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here, some other woman answered. I said, "You sound older!" They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home; there's more to it than that. "Want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not 'til you figure out what the fcuk else is in it!" I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fcuker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fcuker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it"! I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait." I was going to have my teeth whitened, but then I said "fcuk that, I'll just get a tan instead." You know, there's a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar, that flaps goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "What candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!" If you find yourself lost in the woods, fcuk it, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament!" I bought a house, it's a two-bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? fcuk you, real estate lady, this bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that guy's house. "Sir, you've got one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!" When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was. I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cause the dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you have to drop out and start makin' pop so soon? I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. I saw on HBO, they were advertising this boxing match. They said "It's a fight to the finish." That's a good place to end. I got an ant farm. Them fcukers didn't grow shit. I said, "C'mon, what about some celery? You fcukers don't farm! Plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen!" That's the part that's not on the other CD. I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner." Call me some time, maybe we'll have lunch... If I'm lucky!" They said you can swear on XM radio. No shit, 'cause nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods, too. I think they could take sesame seeds off the market, and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!" They're gonna have to change that McDonald's song, "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a ... bun." How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? Thats fcuking magical! There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular! What does a sesame seed grow into? I dunno, we never give them a chance. What the fcuk is a sesame? It's a street. It's a way to open... shit. You think when the guy came up with the idea to invent the bong, a blacklight popped up over his head? I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time! I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them. I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God dammit anyway! I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny. I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died. I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. Then when I finally walk in, the guy says "Can I help you?" "Just practicing!" I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit!" Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was thirty seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal. "Hey, you're using that machine to its exact purpose!" I don't know how to fix a car. If my car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm fcuked. Every time I walk by a spy shop I think, I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can. Or better yet, a safe that looks like a Spray and Wash can. That would create better situations. "Hey Mitch, can I use the Spray and Wash?" "Yeah, if you want to spray your shirtâ€¦with documents!" I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast, because I don't think I would, 'cause I figure, you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? You need to direct me to a Chair, Lunch, Dinner." I was in downtown Boise, Idaho, and I saw a duck. And I knew the duck was lost, 'cause ducks ain't supposed to be downtown; there's nothing for 'em there. If you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, 'cause they have some kick-ass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake-on! I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton. That's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I've done that way more. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later. Xylophone is spelled with an X. It should be a Z. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don't fcuking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z. If someone tells you you're wrong, say "No, I aint." If you think that that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will incidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy now, you fcuking X?"