EARTHQUAKE ROCKS Macquarie Fields: A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre in Macquarie Fields. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F**kin ell" and "Whadda c**t". The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $30.00 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Macquarie Fields Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my Bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning". Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal. The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to The area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, Canterbury shirts,jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Go Lo. HOW YOU CAN HELP This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include: baseball caps and tracksuits. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include, Pluto Pops, Donna Kebabs, McDonalds, KFC,ice cream and cans of Red Bull, Bacardi Breezer, or Home Brew. If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, battered savs and gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Winfield Blues and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.