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Early friday Funny - Thirty Lines To Make You Smile

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by pvda, Mar 29, 2006.

  1. With my commitments at the F1GP I probably wont get near the PC too often over the next few days so I'll get this in early before I forget to do it.

    1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

    2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

    3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

    4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

    5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

    6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

    7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

    8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

    10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

    11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

    12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

    13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

    14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

    15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

    17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

    18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

    19. Procrastinate Now!

    20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

    21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

    22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

    23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

    24.They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

    25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

    26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

    27. Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

    28. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

    29. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

    30. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.
  2. Those are great!!! :LOL: :LOL: I like these two the most :grin:
  3. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
    She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
    I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
    Honk if you love peace and quiet.
    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
    Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
    A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
    I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
    Eschew Obfuscation.(go ahead, look them both up!)
    Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
    Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
    All generalizations are false.
    We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
    He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
    Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
    Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
    Born free. Taxed to death.
    The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.
    Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
    Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
    Work is for people who don't know how to fish
    When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
    Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
    Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
    I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
    Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
    Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
    It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
    According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
    Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
    A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
    Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
    We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
    Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
    Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
    Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
    Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
    There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
    Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  4. hahaha good stuff :LOL: :wink:
  5. excellent - and very possibly true :)
    like it :p