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Early Friday Funny - The Difference Between Guts and Balls

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by pvda, Apr 26, 2007.

  1. We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

    But do you really know the difference between them?

    In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
    being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
    "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
    smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
    wife on the butt and having the balls to say:
    "You're next."

    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death. :LOL:

  2. Vic goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
    He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
    So he says, "Do you know me?"
    To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says,
    "My God, are you the stripper from my friend's bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

    "No, I'm your son's teacher."
  3. :rofl: @ both :D
  4. One day Gunther complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

    His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

    Gunther figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
    :: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks. ::

    Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

    He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

    ::Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. ::
  5. A man running for mayor was making a speech, and thundered, "I want you people to know that there are over two dozen brothels in this town, and I have never been to one of them!" A voice from the back yelled out, "Which one?"

    There are two rules for success: 1. Never tell people everything you know.

    A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious". Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
  6. A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
    Harry: "9."
    "What is 6 x 6?"
    Harry: "36."
    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
    "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
    Ms. Brooks
    asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
    Harry, after a moment: "Legs"
    Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
    Harry replied: "Pockets."
    Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
    Harry: "Pants."
    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,delicious and contains thin, whitish
    Harry: "Coconut."
    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
    Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
    Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
    Harry: "Shake hands."
    The principal was trembling.
    Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
    Harry: "Firetruck."
    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
    "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....