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Dutch oven went horribly wrong...

Discussion in 'The Pub' started by Greydog, Aug 19, 2013.

  1. Husband Convicted Of Manslaughter After Dutch Oven Goes Wrong [​IMG] [​IMG] [​IMG]
    Written by Nick Houldsworth
    Wednesday, 31 October 2007
    [​IMG]
    Mr Brian Flannery was convicted of 2nd Degree Manslaughter today at Peckham Crown Court, receiving a 5 year suspended sentence for the accidental death of his wife, Gloria Flannery, by toxic suffocation, after he gave her a 'Dutch Oven' that went, as the Judge described it, 'horribly, horribly wrong'.

    The case for the prosecution argued for the charge of Murder, putting it to the court that, late one weekday evening as Mrs Flannery was reading a Jackie Collins novel in bed and unwinding for sleep, she was suddenly and forcibly pinned under the duvet by Mr Flannery, who sealed the edges with his weight while simultaneously releasing an enormous bolus of flatulence, which displaced all the available oxygen so that Mrs Flannery passed out nearly instantly, and was dead within 30 seconds.

    Arguing for the defence, Mr Cavendish QC, stated that Mr Flannery was deeply upset and regretful. The incident was intended as a light-hearted practical joke, indeed it was the first time Mr Flannery had even tried what is commonly known on the street as a 'Dutch Oven', and even then only after hearing some friends talking one evening in the pub after five-a-side football, about 'doing it' to their wives 'all the time'.

    They argued that Mr Flannery had miscalculated two crucial factors which led to the tragic outcome. The first being Mrs Flannery's military tucking in of the 600 weight cotton sheets when she made the bed that morning, which created a near airtight seal . Secondly, Mr Flannery had neglected to remember that he had attended a long business lunch at an Indian restaurant on Brick Lane that day, at which he had consumed a dozen onion Bajees, eight Poppadom, six Samosas, and an extra large beef Vindaloo with garlic naan, all washed down with 8 pints of Guinness beer. The resulting trapped wind, which he released within a 6 inch proximity of Mrs Flannery's face, came in at around 6 litres gas of 95% methane by volume.

    During sentencing, the judge, The Hon Dame Roberts, said, "I accept that you did not intend that your wife should die in this manner, and I note both your grief and regret, which is why I will suspend your sentence on the grounds of time already served. Nonetheless, the conviction remains, in the hope that you will be an example to other husbands and boyfriends across the UK, and a ray of light to their long suffering wives and girlfriends, that this frankly gross, and often dangerous practice can no longer be taken lightly, or risk facing such tragic consequences as you have."



    Outside the court, an emotional and weary Mr Flannery said, "I am truly very sorry for what I did to my wife, and living with the guilt of what I done is punishment enough. I just hope that others will learn from my mistake. I swear, I will never, ever fart in a woman's face again. At least, not in private."

    http://www.ronsonwriter.com/content/view/69/9/
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. Keep that article away from the dudette. After 4 years I'm pretty well out of comedic gold and it's all I have left.
     
  3. The Ronson Writer - Satire, unqualified opinion, hearsay & the occasional half-truth on the worrying state of modern popular culture.

    This belongs in the jokes section.
     
  4. Secondly, Mr Flannery had neglected to remember that he had attended a long business lunch at an Indian restaurant on Brick Lane that day, at which he had consumed a dozen onion Bajees, eight Poppadom, six Samosas, and an extra large beef Vindaloo with garlic naan, all washed down with 8 pints of Guinness beer. The resulting trapped wind, which he released within a 6 inch proximity of Mrs Flannery's face

    Somehow i don't think he had actually 'neglected to remember' ;)
     
  5. its the fart game ,
    lesson 1 . Learn to hold your breath
     
  6. Sorry Smee - actually thought about it, but put it in the pub bc it isn't about bikes.
     
  7. Must of had a bloody good lawyer to convince the court of that bull. Murder most foul that.
     
  8. I do like their disclaimer: :)

    Please think of The Environment. Print out 50 copies of this page, on baby-seal-skin paper, then drive around in a diesel Humvee, towing 3 bigger Humvees, and a boat, littering copies out the window at nature reserves and other points of interest, before setting fire to a monk and barbequeing a couple of air-freighted whale steaks on his back, washed down with totally Unfair Trade coffee, while wearing child-labour made Nike shoes.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. ^^^ Bahahahaha! I didn't even see that. Classic!
     
  10.  
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. Shouldn't this be in the dumb ass question forum?
     
  12. I love this bit. "I swear, I will never, ever fart in a woman's face again. At least, not in private." What so he will do it out in public to some random?