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Dirty Dad Jokes (NSFK)

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by kate, Jun 17, 2016.

  1. Following on from the epic Dad Jokes Thread, I thought I would start a thread dedicated to the more dodgy but equally funny and cringeworthy variety of dad jokes. Let's hear your best dirty dad jokes! Rated 18+

  2. Ok - you gotta kick it off Kate...
  3. Horse walks into a gay bar.
    Barman asks "So why the long d1ck?
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Haha, OK. This is the dirtiest dad joke I know:

    A wife decides to spruce up her sex life by buying some crotchless lingerie. Pleased with herself, she dons the lingerie and sits on the sofa in front of her husband, spread eagled.

    "Are those crotchless undies?" he asks.

    "Yes", she replies seductively.

    "Thank fark for that!" her husband exclaims. "I though you were sitting on the cat!"
    • Funny Funny x 15
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  5. Well it is 18+ right?

    Why is the weather like a vagina?

    When it's wet it's time to get inside.
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Like Like x 2
  6. A man spends 9 months trying to get out and the rest of his life trying to get back in.
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  7. #7 Rus Ler, Jun 17, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2016
    If a white stork brings white babies, and a black crow brings black babies, then what bird brings no babies?
    A swallow

    Think about it


    There ya go (y)(y)
    • Funny Funny x 7
    • Winner Winner x 4
    • Like Like x 2
  8. Grandma and Grandpa are in bed and Grandpa is feeling amorous...
    "How about a blow job Grandma? You've never given me one!" He asks.
    "No," says Grandma, "You'll lose respect for me."
    "Awww come on, I promise I wont lose respect for you!" He replies.
    "Hrm, ok then."
    Grandma then goes down on him for 20 minutes much to Grandpa's delight.
    Suddenly, the phone rings and Grandma says "Get that will you love?"
    Grandpa replies, "Get it yourself, you dirty old c0cksucker!!!"

    This joke brought to you by Rodney Rude.
    • Funny Funny x 6
    • Like Like x 4
  9. A sweet young girl, an innocent virgin, is to marry a much more experienced man, a sailor, or so I heard. The night before the wedding her mother says "Darling, some men like to do strange things. If he ever asks you to "Roll over and do it the other way" just grit your teeth and think happy thoughts".

    After several months of marriage the now bored young wife says to her husband "Honey, how come you never ask me to roll over and do it the other way"

    But Sweetheart, he replies, I thought we agreed we don't want a baby yet?

    ( Dad joke? I think I first heard this at school!)
    • Funny Funny x 5
  10. A man's definition of a woman: life support system for a pussy. :cautious:

    A woman's definition of a man: vibrator with a wallet. :inpain:
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  11. #11 Fr33dm, Jun 17, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2016
    Two men were in the doctor's office. Each of them is to get a vasectomy.

    The nurse comes into the room and tells both men "Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done."

    A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man's gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him. Shocked as he was, he asks, "Why are you doing that?" To that she replies, "We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure."

    The man, not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task . After she is through, she proceeds to the next man.

    She starts to fondle him as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him oral sex. The first man, seeing this, quickly responds, "Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a blow job?"

    The nurse simply replies, "That's the difference between Medicare and Private Health Cover!"
    • Funny Funny x 12
    • Like Like x 4
    • Winner Winner x 2
  12. Why do gay men prefer ribbed condoms ?
    A: To get better traction in the mud
    • Funny Funny x 6
    • Winner Winner x 1
  13. this is a bit funnier if you read it with an Irish accent.

    a young Irish lass about to get married went to her parish priest to give her confession. like all good Irish Catholic girls she was a virgin and wanted to get some sex advice from the priest.

    she said 'father, I have not had sexual relations but I have seen my fiance's man parts and I was wondering if you could help me with the names of the bits, I have no brothers or father of my own so it is all very new to me. I think if I at least know the names I will not be so nervous on my wedding night'

    'my child' he said 'I'd be glad to help, what is it you want to know?'

    'well father, I'm a bit embarrassed, what is the long bit called?'

    'my girl that is called the penis, it is the giver of life'

    'ooh ok father, well I have seen the round looking knob thing on the end of the penis, what is that called?'

    'my dear that is called the glans or the head of the penis'

    'oh she said, that's an odd name. so what are the two round things about twelve inches back from the head of the penis?'

    'my dear girl, for your sake, I hope they are the cheeks of his ar5e'
    • Funny Funny x 12
    • Winner Winner x 1
  14. Q. What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

    A. One is a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

    Q. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

    A. He only comes once a year.

    Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?

    A. A zit will wait until you're 12 before it comes on your face.

    Q. What’s long and hard and full of semen?

    A. A submarine.

    Q. Why do women have orgasms?

    A. Just another reason to moan, really.

    Q. What do you call a guy with a small dick?

    A. Justin

    Q. What do you call a guy with a giant dick?

    A. Phil

    Q. What has a hundred balls and screws old women?

    A: Bingo
    • Funny Funny x 8
    • Winner Winner x 4
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Why do they call camels ships of the desert?
    They're full of arab semen
    • Funny Funny x 3
  16. Why is a dick stupid?

    It's got an eye that can't see
    head that can't think
    hangs around with a couple of nuts
    asshole of a next door neighbour
    c**t of a girlfriend
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Winner Winner x 1
  17. Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?

    A: When he's standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
    • Funny Funny x 6
    • Winner Winner x 1
  18. a wealthy man had three sons but didn't know which one should inherit the bulk of his estate. with his health failing he devised a plan to test their entrepreneurial skills with the winner being the one chosen to reign over the family's wealth upon his demise.

    he gathered his sons and gave each of them a duck telling them they must do the best they can to turn the duck into a profit by sale or trade.

    off they went with ducks under their arms. son #1 went door to door eventually selling the duck for $20 which was a substantial profit in those days.

    son #2 was a little more creative, he decided to sell raffle tickets and raised the princely sum of $40.

    son #3 not known for being a good student or for being particularly wise was ambling along wondering what he was going to do when he met up with a local prostitute. she was quite interested in the duck so he said he would exchange it a shag. with the deal done she told him she had enjoyed it so much that if he did her again like that he could have the duck back, of course being the young gentleman that he was he was happy to oblige. once they had finished round 2 he finished getting dressed, grabbed the duck and headed off down the street with the duck under his arm and a dopey smile on his face. he wasn't paying attention to where he was walking and he strayed into the path of a gent on horseback. #3 was knocked to the ground along with the duck who sustained a bruised beak and lost some feathers, unfortunately the bird was no longer able to fly and it's quacking days were over.

    the rider was very apologetic and he knew the young man's father so in a bid to make good for knocking them over he offered $50 as compensation, quickly mounting his horse and getting out of there.

    the son picked up the duck and walked home.

    once the boys were all back home the father sat them down and asked what they had done and how much they had made.

    son #1 proudly stood and announced that he had gone door to door in a good part of the town and had sold his duck for $20.

    son #2 also proud of his effort, and knowing that son #3 still had his duck with him, stood and smiled and told his tale of spruiking raffle tickets and raising $40 surely he would win.

    son #3 stood with his duck. his father asked 'son, what happened? you come back to me with the duck I sent you off with this morning did you do nothing?' 'on the contrary I had an eventful and rewarding day father. I got a fk for a duck, a duck for a fk, fifty bucks for a fkd duck and I've still go the fkn duck.'
    • Funny Funny x 9
  19. a husband and wife with an active sex life had several children all of them the result of unsuccessful contraceptives. in a desperate attempt to find something that would work for them without surgical intervention they made an appointment to see a new age doctor who had an unorthodox but apparently successful method of contraceptive.

    after explaining that they had several happy and healthy children whom they loved dearly they told the doctor that they really did not want any more and were in dire need of assistance. 'no problem' he said and opened a small container on his desk. he handed the contents to the wife with a glass of water and said 'here, take these'. looking at her hand she said 'but these are ball bearings, how will this work?'

    after much discussion he convinced her that they had nothing to lose. she took the ball bearings, they left the surgery and nine months later she gave birth to twins - a boy and a girl.

    about 17 years later the mother was cooking dinner for the family and the twin girl came in and said 'mother, mother, you'll never guess what just happened. I was doing a wee and a ball bearing came out' she opened her hand and there was a ball bearing. her mother told her it was nothing to worry about and she should just throw it away.

    several nights later the twin son came bursting into the kitchen calling his mother and father to tell them 'you'll never guess what happened' and thrust his hand forward to show them the ball bearing in his palm. the father said 'oh you were having a pee and the ball bearing came out...' 'no' the son replied 'I was having a pull and I shot the cat'.
    • Funny Funny x 2
  20. An older couple were having some issues in the bedroom. The husband decided to see the doctor for some help.

    The doctor suggested that maybe he should take advantage of his wife in an unexpected situation. "Maybe when she reaches into the fridge you could surprise her and take her from behind".

    The older man left with this advice. A week later he returned.

    The doctor asked how the advice went?

    Said the older man "Fantastic doctor. She reached into the freezer and after your advice I just couldn't help myself. It was bliss. But one downside."

    "We aren't allowed back in Woolies again"
    • Funny Funny x 8
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1