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Diary of an Englishman

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by I am the Stig..., Feb 6, 2009.

  1. Apologies if this has been posted up beforehand, but got this today and it had me in stitches. Those of you who are, like me, Poms and in the mining game will appreciate this one! :LOL:


    Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new
    home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows
    how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I
    watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was
    beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

    September 13/*

    Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though.
    Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a
    pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

    September 30th/*

    Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks.

    No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

    October 10th/*

    The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get
    used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though.
    Keeps the flies off a bit.

    Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

    October 15th/*

    Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60%
    of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do!
    Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

    October 20th/*

    Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left
    for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after
    work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag
    and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes
    and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this

    October 25/*

    This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fcukin' blow dryer.
    And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and
    the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he
    needs to order parts from Perth.

    October 30th/*

    The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived
    for the fcukin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for
    three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go
    inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

    November 4/*

    Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the
    temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it
    feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

    November 8/*

    If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going
    to throttle him. fcukin' heat! By the time I get to work,
    the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fcukin'
    wet and I smell like baked cat!

    November 9/*

    Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the
    black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fcukin' arse was
    on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my
    legs and my fcukin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried
    arse and baked cat!

    November 10/*

    Weather report! It might as well be a recording. Hot and
    sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fcukin' sunny! It's been too hot to do
    anything for two fcukin' months and the weatherman says it might really
    warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fcukin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the buggers!

    November 20th/*

    Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fcukin' degrees today. Now the air
    conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and
    said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500
    mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid
    twit.. Bloody Newman! What kind of sick, demented fcukin' idiot
    would want to live here!

    December 1/*

    WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are kidding
  2. That had me in stitches. Good one
  3. Loved that,

    spent 4 years and a bit at Tom Price, only place I've played footy where the main injury worries were gravel rash and heat stroke......
  4. HAHAHAH Welcome to Australia! :grin:

  5. Stop it i'm f&@%*' crying here ahahahahahahaha :rofl:
  6. :LOL:

    The irony, for at least, is that we moved from Perth to Melbourne thinking the climate would be better!
  7. Where's the punchline?