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Dear Alcohol

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Grrrl, Sep 15, 2005.

  1. Dear Alcohol

    First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.

    My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

    However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

    1. Phone calls:

    While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends /girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

    2. Eating:

    Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a huge souvlaki with garlic sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few slices of pizza & cheese burger)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

    3. Clumsiness:

    Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by making me navigate my way from one side of the room to the other by sliding along the length of each wall (the corners are tricky, and don't even talk to me about what happens when I have to get across a doorway!) only to fall down when I eventually reach my destination 45 minutes later. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

    4. Furthermore:

    The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

    Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

    In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

    Thank you,

    Your biggest fan


    1. Innovative

    2. Preliminary

    3. Proliferation

    4. Cinnamon


    1. Specificity

    2. British Constitution

    3. Passive-aggressive disorder


    1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

    2. Nope, no more beer for me.

    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

    4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

    5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
  2. Things that are easy to say when drunk:

    "I'm a consultant"
  3. That's a hoot, grrl
    As a strict teetotaller, I can still see the humour in that, and as someone who has observed the sometimes strange and comical behaviour of those who do drink, I can STILL see the humour in it.
  4. There easy to say :

    1 : wana F***
    2 : Bob want more scotch
    3 : Cum here bewdifull
    4 : What ? second time tonight..... but I blew over the limit last time too
    5 : Oh yes you all do wana here me sing .... ??

    :LOL: :p :LOL:
  5. I'd like to tell you some of the things that I have heard drunk people say, but this is a family-friendly forum..
  6. I'd like to tell you some of the things that I have said when drunk, but this is a family-friendly forum... :LOL: :twisted: :LOL: :p :LOL: :twisted: :LOL: :roll: :roll: :roll:
  7. gotta be the quote of the day :LOL:
  8. I'd like to tell you some of the things that I have done when drunk, but you had to be there and this is a family-friendly forum... ;) ;) :p
  9. I'd like to be able to remember some of the things I've said while drunk.

    (or maybe not...)

    [edit] Hey Pete! :p [/edit]
  10. I'd like to tell you some of the things I say when I'm drunk, hell, I'd like to remember them... :LOL:

    Edit: Moike Ya bugger, you beat me to it...
  11. id like to forget some of the things ive said/done when drunk :p
  12. OK eswen, time for a "Dear Chocolate" reply???

    OLDER Netriders will remember this, but for the younger 'riders, here's a classic and cautionary tale....

    I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...

    After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

    I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

    I am not under the affluence of incohol, way the bye, as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink I am. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
  13. i actually have heard that one before, have it saved somewhere.
  14. It's and oldie but a goodie! I first heard it when I was the age you are now, maybe even earlier. Before the brain cells started to succumb I used to be able to recite it off by heart. Can't quite remember why that was important but zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  15. PMSL!!! I love that! :LOL:
  16. LMAO - I'm with you on that one!! :oops: :roll:
  17. Dear Alcohol.

    It has been a week since I have tasted your lips... SInce I have touched your cool, moist skin.... Soo long since I have tasted your nectre and indulged in your spirits.

    But, I must confess, I have tasted of others and yes I am ashamed of this...... I am but a mere man that is incapable of committing to one spirit...... Alas, I will committ to you this friday evening....... I will committ my mind, heart and senses to you this friday evening

    I am yours for the wasting
  18. AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. Wrong Thread Sir Skuffy :p :D