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Dad's Rules...

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by Lazy Libran, Sep 4, 2012.

  1. Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk your horn you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

    Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

    Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
    • Like Like x 11
  2. I love it, and only wish I had a daughter too - it sounds like so much fun...

    However I've passed all the rules on to my 18yo son, as a warning of what he's to expect...
  3. Three daughters and two foster daughters. I like it.

    I've already told the 15yo to let her boy know that I grew up on a farm, had my first rifle at 10 and spent 5 years in the Army Reserves. I do know how to kill him.

    Maybe I could ask him to help me clean my .303 while he's waiting...?
  4. Tim smith, many years ago on mmm told his daughters first date that he would do to him anything he did to his daughter.

    Maybe the evening could end with a handshake?
  5. i was dating a chick a while back now

    showed up to her house in my ute park in the driveway was about to get out when the garage door opens up and her father walks his Harley out with a 12g shotgun over his back (this guy is like 6ft 6 and build like a brick shithouse)
    he walks up to my door and said if you hurt my daughter i hurt you and pointed to his 12g
    (i got tinted glass and it was night) i'm sitting in there pissing my self laughing i open the door and to his and my surprise i been riding with the bloke for the last 6 months and his nickname is the gentle giant but it was bloody funny to watch him try and scary me before he knew who it was
  6. My little princess just turned nine.
    I'm printing this to keep for hand-outs in the future!

    Just pull them aside & whisper, "She's my little girl & I'm not afraid to go back to prison"!
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Aww, c'mon. Didn't you guys date? Give the poor kids a chance.
  8. Yes I 'did'.
    But this is MY little girl we're talking about. Totally different circumstances!
    • Like Like x 3
  9. I'll have to have a little 'talk' to her when she gets older then...

  10. Spot on Streets!
  11. Son "hey dad I've got a girlfriend"
    Dad "thats great son is she nice"
    Daughter "hey dad I've got a boyfriend"
    Dad "sound of shotgun cartridge being chambered"
  12. So Streets would you like your daughter to date someone like yourself?

    I'm not suggesting that would be a bad thing, it's just that the sins of the mother are also revisted upon the daughter. She is very likely to pick someone like her father, especially when she is daddy's little princess.
  13. Wouldn't have a problem :)
    I never pushed myself onto a girl trying to make her do something she didn't want to or was ready to do (y)
    • Like Like x 1
  14. So..... Anyone have a nice daughter on here....
  15. The problem with fathers and their daughter is that blokes know what blokes are like, they have the inside knowledge on the MO of prospective boyfriends. The young fellas don't stand a chance.
  16. Two, 10 and 7, the ten year old is already starting to grow up.

    I worked out where I'm going to dump the bodies years ago..
  17. 9 year old twins! & the boy better look after his sister when I'm not around!!!
  18. You've got 3 more years before you have anything major to worry about by today's standards ;)
  19. 20 years by my standards!!! :rofl:
    • Like Like x 4
  20. Got three daughters - youngest is 18 - and rides a GT650r - I actually think she is a boy!