A man walks into an expensive restaurant, and goes straight up to the headwaiter. "Where's the f*cking manager?" he asks. The shocked headwaiter asks him to repeat the question. To which the man replies: "Get me the c0ck-sucking manager, you scrawny little f*ck-wit." The embarrassed headwaiter tells the man that he'll fetch the manager, but he should wait where he is and refrain from using such disgusting language in a posh restaurant. Shortly afterwards, he returns with the manager. "Are you the wanker who runs this shithole?" asks the man. "Yes, I am the manager", he replies. "How can I help you?" "I've come about that shit piano playing job you've got advertised in the f*cking paper", says the man. The manager agrees to let him try for the job and leads him to the piano. "Right", says the manager, "If you're a piano player, play me some jazz." The man sits down and plays the most wonderful jazz music the manager has ever heard. "That's amazing" says the manager, shocked at how the foul-mouthed man can play. "Did you write it yourself?" "Sure did" says the man, "It's called 'Shaggin' a sheep on a hilltop with the moon shining up my arse'." "Oh, I see" replies the manager, "And, err ... well, can you play any blues?" The man immediately starts to play excellent blues music. He finishes and says "I call that one 'Trying to f*ck my biatch on the sofa, but my bollocks are caught in the springs'." The manager agrees to give the man the job immediately, on the understanding that he doesn't talk to any customers. A week later, the man is sitting in the Gents having a five minute break in between playing his tunes. Since nobody's around, he decides to have a quick wank to pass the time. Just as he shoots his load, there's a sharp knock on the door. "Oi" shouts the manager, "What are you doing in there? People are waiting to hear you play." The man hurriedly pulls up his trousers and goes back to the piano. He's just about to start playing when a woman approaches him. "Excuse me", she whispers, "but do you know your nob's hanging out of your fly and dribbling jism on your shoes?" "Know it ...!?", replies the man " ... I f*cking wrote it!"