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Cringeworthy Aussie Songs

Discussion in 'The Pub' at netrider.net.au started by hornet, Aug 31, 2008.

  1. Now the Olympics are (finally) over, and patriotism can subside to normal barbeque levels, and we can (finally) NOT hear Bruce Woodley's banal "I am, you are, we are Austrayliun" a hundred times a day, it's time to make up a list of other truly embarrassing Aussie songs. You know, the ones you sing when you are drunk at a party, but also make you crawl under a table and hide when you are at a party in London, or L.A.?

    So to kick off, how about Bob Hudson's truly abysmal "Newcastle song"?

    Dont' you ever let a chance go by, O Lord,
    Don't you ever let a chance go by.

    Yes, up in Newcastle they have very strange mating habits.
    All the young women of Newcastle
    walk down the main street
    which is called Hunter Street
    for reasons that will become obvious
    later on in the song.
    All the young men of Newcastle
    drive down Hunter Street
    in their hot FJ Holdens
    with chrome plated grease nipples
    and double reverse
    overhead twin cam door handles,
    sitting eight abreast in the front seat,
    and they lean out of the window
    and say real cool things to the sheilas
    on the footpath, like 'Aah g'day', and 'how about it?'
    And every now and then, of course,
    one of the young ladies thinks to herself
    she thinks

    Don't you ever let a chance go by, oh Lord
    Don't you ever let a chance go by

    Anyway there was this mob of blokes
    driving down Hunter Street
    in the front seat of the hot FJ
    with chrome plated grease nipples
    and twin overhead foxtails,
    and the coolest of them all,
    who got to sit near the window,
    was young Norm.
    And they pulled up outside
    the Parthenon milk bar
    and standing outside
    the Parthenon was this beautiful looking sheila.

    Oooh! Oooh! said young Normie
    who'd come top of his class in English,
    Ooooh! he said.
    So he leaned out of the window,
    and he said real, real suave like,
    he said G'day.
    This nine foot tall Hell's Angel
    came out of the Parthenon milk bar,
    looked at Norm and said
    Arr, what are ya?
    Norm said What are you?
    Bloke on the footpath said
    D'ya want a go, do ya mate, eh?
    Norm said Yeah, d'you want a go, mate?
    Bloke on the footpath said
    Yeah I'll have a go
    Norm said
    D'you know who you're picking?
    The bloke on the footpath said
    Nah, who am I picking?
    Norm said
    You find out
    And all of a sudden there was a break in the traffic,
    and as any young Newcastle lad knows-
    when you're getting monstered
    by a nine foot tall Hells Angel
    and there's a break in the traffic....

    Don't you ever let a chance go by, oh Lord
    Don't you ever let a chance go by

    Having lived in Newcastle a bit earlier than the time the song was written, I can testify to the truth of the song, but isn't that just awful? Needless to say, it was hugely successful, spending 4 weeks at number one on the Australian charts.

    It was followed by something even worse, if that's possible. Maureen Elkner sang a reply, from the feminine (?) point of view. This song was called "Rack off Normie"!!!

    I was minding me business down in the street
    There was a nice Hell’s Angle I was hoping to meet
    I was standing on the footpath having a nice dream
    And he was in the Parathonon buying an ice cream
    Along came a lair in a hot FJ
    He leaned out the window and he said “Gudayâ€
    He said “my names Normie, do you want a rideâ€
    And then me Hell’s Angle hero came out from inside
    He said, rack off Normie, you and your mates
    I know what your after, but I’ll put you straight
    I’ll smash your back window with a great lump of rock
    So rack off now before I do me Block
    So rack off now before I do me Block

    And they did

    Well that was the last we saw of Norm and the gang
    They shot off up the road with a clatter and bang
    And I said to myself as I walked back inside
    These local blokes here have sure got a hide
    The Hell’s angel an I got married immediately
    Me dad and six brothers arranged it exceedingly
    Now he’s on the run, and I’m on the deserted wife’s pension
    I wish I’d paid Normie a bit more attention

    Instead of saying

    Rack off Normie, you and your mates
    I know what your after but I’ll put you straight
    I’ll smash your back window with a great lump of rock
    I wish I hadn’t of told him to p-push off
    I wish I hadn’t of told him to…..
    Rack off Normie, you and your mates
    That Old Hell’s Angel didn’t have what it takes
    If I’d only listened when you said “Gudayâ€
    We’d be happy in the back of your hot FJ
    Happy in the back of your hot FJ
    Awww Normie,
    You could have had me if you played your cards right

    Over to you :LOL:
  2. I think us poms take the biscuit on shitty national songs to be honest!!!

    Oh while we're on the subject though, Rolf Harris murdering 'Zeppelins classic Stairway to heaven is somewhat embaressing on your part!
  3. Truly horrible songs?

    The Collingwood Football Club theme song has to be way up on that list!
  4. Anything by Cold Chisel!
  5. Hmm... you come from Wollongong - I'm not defending Bob Hudson however I really can't see anyone from the 'gong listening to anything with Newcastle in the title (and vice versa) :LOL:

    I remember listening to Bob Hudson when he had the midnight-to-dawn show on 2JJ (pre JJJ days) and hearing him get absolutely rubbished by callers from Woolongong for no other reason than he was from Newcastle.

    Sydney/Melbourne rivalry pffft... :LOL: :LOL:
  6. Peter Allen's song "I still call Australia home" being sung by 10 year old children on the Qantas payroll.
  7. Yes but the Carlton Football Club theme song is way above that in terms of Horrible!
  8. That came out of a version on Andrew Denton's show The Money or the Gun where a different artist would do Stairway to Heaven each week.

    It loses a lot out of the context it was originally performed in. Only the Poms would take it seriously enough to buy it as a single.

    In a later episode of the show Robert Plant & Jimmy Page came on and did a Rolf Harris song...

    From Wikipedia here's the complete list...

    Stairway to Heaven

    Each week a guest would perform their own version of Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven". Versions would occasionally tie in with the theme of the episode ("Guns - the Musical" had a Broadway-style version by Jodie Gilles as the conclusion, while the episode on Australian Comedy had the Doug Anthony All Stars performing it with the assistance of Barry Crocker) but the most surprising of all was the version by Rolf Harris which eventually reached number 7 on the UK singles chart. Generally the performance of "Stairway" would be a break in the program and the artists would have no other part in the program.

    Performers and styles included:

    * Kate Cebrano
    * John Paul Young, in the style of Love is in the Air
    * Pardon Me Boys, in a swing style (with numerous references to Glenn Miller songs))
    * The Beatnix, a Beatles tribute band, in the style of I Want to Hold Your Hand, She Loves You and Twist and Shout.
    * Nick Barker and the Reptiles, in a heavy blues style
    * Rolf Harris, in the style of Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport
    * The Australian Doors Show, in the style of When The Music's Over by The Doors
    * Sandra Hahn, Michael Turkic and the Australian Opera chrous, in the style of an epic Wagner opera
    * Robyne Dunn in the style of Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by The Beatles
    * Elvis impersonator Neil Pepper, in the style of Viva Las Vegas
    * Whipper Snappers, in an indie rock girl group style
    * Bob Downe, in the style of a lounge singer
    * The Castanet Club, as a sea shanty
    * The Symphony Chorus of the Sydney Philharmonia Choirs, as an a cappella chorus
    * Judi Connelli, as a gospel song
    * Fargone Beauties, as a country thrash in the style of Duelling Banjos
    * Vegemite Reggae, as a modern reggae
    * Etcetera Theatre Company, as a techno dance in the style of Talking Heads
    * Leonard Teale, as a dramatic poem
    * Rock Lobsters, a B-52s tribute band, in the style of Rock Lobster
    * Jodie Gilles, in the style of a Broadway musical (with numerous references to One from A Chorus Line)

    A compilation video of the performances, Stairways to Heaven, was released in 1990.
  9. Any metro trype by the Whitlams would have to be right up there.
  10. Anything by John Williamson but particularly "True Blue".
  11. John Williamson's efforts deserve special mention for several things:

    Aussie cliches
    maudlin sentimentalism
    shocking rhymes and awkward scansion (the way the words fit the rhythm)


    "It's raining on the Rock
    In a bewdiful cun-tree
    I love to travel this great land
    Like an Abo-rigin-ee"

    "Give me a home among the gum trees
    With lots of plum trees
    A sheep or two and a kangaroo
    A clotheslines out the back
    Verandah out the front and
    An old, rocking chaaiirr"

    Peter Allen's 'Tenterfield Saddler' generally works OK, but the whole 'jackeroo/kangeroo rhyme is dodgy at best.

    And that 'Sounds of Then (This is Austrayliyar)' thing is pretty sad too.

    Matterafact "unembarrassing Aussie songs" might have been a shorter thread!

    (I largely disagree about The Whitlams though)
  12. Ooo yeah, I think I'd repressed the memory of 'True Blue':

    "Did yer tie it up with wi-yah, just to keep the show on the road?"
  13. Hell man, tell us more about this. what song was it? Is there a linky on the net?
    I so want to hear this :grin:

    edit: on topic -anybody that sings 'I've been everywhere man' needs a slappin'. I know it's not one of ours, but Aussies seemed to be a little too attached to it, and Telstra have revived it. Let it die.
  14. Unfortunately "I've Been Everywhere" is one of ours... :oops:

    John Mack wrote it for Lucky Starr in 1959 and later adapted it for the US Market in 1962.
  15. #15 TonyE, Aug 31, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2015
    Sun Arise :mad:

  16. #17 Chef, Aug 31, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2015
    BAH! that was shithouse, needs more cowbell.
    Still, at least it wasn't 'Tie me Kangaroo down sport'.
    Dunno how we can have a dig at the Kiwi's and their farming practices while we're writing songs about tying up the wildlife.

    'Two little boys' and Jimmy on a wobble board would of been a giggle, ah well.

    Oh good God. :shock:
    This is going to be a looong thread.
  17. #18 atropos, Aug 31, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2015
  18. #19 TonyE, Aug 31, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2015
  19. #20 Chef, Aug 31, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2015
    Nope, the moment you try to sing any Rolf Harris song in a serious manner you lose any and all credibility that you may or may not have had.
    At least half of Led Zeppelin are less cool than Rolf Harris now. A simple cowbell could of prevented this.

    The Goodies have a classic take on Rolf Harris here...
    also includes the first known footage of the dreaded 'drop bear' @ 3:50