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(creepy) things you dont want to hear

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by es, Sep 29, 2005.

  1. Just some middnight ramblings, thinking about friends and flatmates... Please add your own experiences.

    Generally from a drunk person:

    Im really sorry but...
    - I slept with/cheated on/stole
    - I ate your jelly beans
    - that top I said looked awsome was really ugly im so sorry! *cries*

    I really need to tell you...
    - Im gay
    - im gay and have had this huge crush on you since we met
    - i got married and no one knows except now you do and so you cant tell anyone ok cos then i might get in trouble but im not really married anyway it was just in yr 8 when this guy (blah blah blah)

    I just wanted to say...
    - how much i love you *cries*
    - how awsome you are
    - im sorry
    - I spilt passion pop on your carpet last year and I just really needed to tell you

    and best one from last week:

    You know how some of your knickers went missing when we were dating?

    ok so the entire thread was created just for that last point and all the others were just me babbling :p
  2. (geeze. the things you do at 2am... even matt232 has gone to bed :shock:)
  3. i'm still awake, i can't be bothered cleaning the pile of clothes and junk off my bed to go to sleep :?
  4. "Where's that pool of oil coming from?"
  5. Didn't you see that
    -wall... wall? that you touched with the bullbar
    -bike when you thru your smoke out the window
    -sand when you put your foot down
    -massive pile of concrete you just stood in

    drunk people
    -i love you man
    -i will punch you right in the baby makes, thats right, right in your ovaries
    -I'm going home, to my house, where i live....now
    -almium, almimum, alnimimum, amalininum
    -do i look drunk
    -i'm not drunk
    -i'm not drunk, i'm fu8kin pissed.

    drunks sorrys, sorry -
    -you just shit me.
    -but you have to move, i can see right up your dress from here
    -its just not good
    -i pissed in your fish tank/pond.
    -i farted then your mum came in the room and looked at me weird
    -really, i would, but i really couldn't be fuked and i don't want to
    -but i always liked you and am lonely in bed
    -i really need a lift home
    -i really need you to find my keys
    -really need my bed unset
    -i didn't mean to hit you bro i just slipped.
  6. I always get worried when I hear..
    "I was just reversing out of the Gararge and..." :shock:

    On Tuesday I heard this on the phone which is much worse...
    "I thought a car was going to pull out. It didn't, but but I thought it might and I've dropped you bike. Sorry."
  7. ouch... i hope i never have to hear any of those..
  8. How about "Can you just step into my office for a minute?".......
  9. "... that's not bacon."

  10. I think we need to discuss your progress.
  11. nah it starts off more like

    "lately i'm noticing"


    "an annonymous person mentioned to me the other day that..."
  12. quick replys for those

    my last one went along this lines ( true not a word of a lie)
    boss; "glen come in and close the door"
    then something like "whats this i hear that xxxxx was in tears the other day ?"
    me; "she has hayfever or depression"
    boss ; what ?
    me : i dont know ?
    boss: what are you talking about ?
    me : i dunno ?
    boss : what did you do ?
    me : when?
    Boss: last thursday
    me: i cant remember back that far
    boss: why ?
    me : because since then i have pissed off so many people i dont know which one you are talking about
    boss : GET OUT
    me: bye
    boss: before you go , stop upsetting the day shift
    me: who
    boss: GET OUT
  13. "Hi I'm Groberts"

    Thanks, Glen - you have just brightened up a really slow day.
  15. Glen.......outstanding !

    my experience...

    Boss: Can we have a chat.
    Me. Why ? I said hello didnt I ?
    Boss. Can we go somewhere private.
    Me. Sorry but your not my type.
    Boss. This is important.
    Me. It always is.
    Boss. We wont be renewing your working visa.
    Me. Why ?
    Boss. You have a bad attitude to SOME customers.
    Me. F**k of you racist C**t
    Is it cos I is Scottish or you think customers are still always right ?
    Boss. Im giving you 2 months notice.
    Me. Can I take my holidays now.
    Boss. No
    Me. So I have to leave then ?
    Boss. im afraid so.
    Me. I applied for a new Visa 8 months ago cos I knew you didnt like me.
    Boss. I dont like you either.
    Me. Ok bye.....

    So I may have to go home.......but plan B hasnt failed yet.!
  16. I don't like it when the conversation starts with -

    "it's not you, it's me"
    "it was so stupid. I was just having a few drinks with your buddy..."
    "you know how contraception isn't always 100%?"

    The fuzz
    "do you know what the speed limit is along this stretch of road?"
    "step out of the car, don't make any sudden movements"
    "you there - where do you think you're going?"

    The boss
    "I don't see how we can get all this finished in time for the weekend"
  17. Gorberts: HAHAHAHAHAH nearly painted my screen with lunch. was gettting looks from around the office after reading that one.

    that is bloody awesome

    stookie, yours wasn't bad.. so whats plan B?
  18. Especially if it's a long weekend, or worse, Grand Prix Weekend!!!
  19. "...what's that crawling on your neck"