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Court buffoonery {Please do not post in all capitals, next time your post will be removed}

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by rat man407, Jan 30, 2013.

  1. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
    things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
    now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
    while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his
    sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
    (My Favorite)
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid
    (Another favorite)
    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
    get a new attorney?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on
    dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral..

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law.
    • Like Like x 1
  2. A bloke hitches a ride with a trucky one night.
    The trip is long and he is tired from walking so falls asleep.
    Not long after he is awoken by three large bangs and a series of jolts.

    "what the fcuk happened" he says to the driver

    "no probs " says the trucky " we just accidently ran over a Greeny is all" he says .
    "bloody hell" says the hitchhiker. "What were the other two bangs?"

    the trucky looks at him and smiles
    "I had to go through two fences to get the bastard"
  3. A guy walked into the local Social Security office to pick up his cheque.

    He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know.... I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job."

    The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
    Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

    The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

    The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it ".
    • Like Like x 3