I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. ... So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". ... You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox. ... The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?". ... So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions". ... I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". ... So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". ... So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". ... But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. ... So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. ... So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". ... But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar. ... So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". ... You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter. ... So I rang up British Telecom,I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", He said "Not you again". ... So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment". ... Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch. ... And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel. ... So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". ... So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".