Welcome to Netrider ... Connecting Riders!

Interested in talking motorbikes with a terrific community of riders?
Signup (it's quick and free) to join the discussions and access the full suite of tools and information that Netrider has to offer.

Chuck Norris

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by sir_b, Nov 11, 2005.

  1. Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

    If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "BOOYA".

    If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

    On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

    Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

    It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

    Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

    Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

    God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

    Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

    A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

    Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Jackie Chan in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Chan in the side of the face.

    Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

    Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

    Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

    If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

    Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

    Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

    When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

    We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it

    Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

    In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in Total Recall.

    Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

    If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

    Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

    Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

    In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

    Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

    Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

    Chuck Norris invented water.

    Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

    One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

    Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

    Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

    Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the actual spelling of it.

    Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

    Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

    In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks

    Chuck Norris was once asked to recommend a club to which he replied 'I am a club' and everyone partied on him... Until he roundhouse kicked them all because someone spilt his beer.

  2. hahahhahahaha :LOL:

    thats fuggen GOLD :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

    chuck norris doesn't beleive in germany :LOL: :LOL:
  3. It's stupid, but I was pissing myself laughing at a few of them :)

  4. More!

    Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

    A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

    Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more that meet the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

    Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

    Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

    Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

  5. lol, alot of em are hilarious!! how'd you come up with that stuff?

    my favourite chuck norris moment is in the movie "dodgeball", where the decision of the game rested on the final judge.....and yes, no doubt it was a thumbs up from chuck norris!! haha

    and i love the last line in the movie from ben stiller...."<check my signature>"
  6. I wish I could claim them, but, alas, I stole them from another forum.

    LOL :)

  7. More!

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

    Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

    Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

    Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

    Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "f**king."

    When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

    There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

    Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

    Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

    Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f**k down.

    There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

    When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

    Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

    Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

    When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

    Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

    It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

    Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

    When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

  8. Justin this Chuck Norris fetish has just got to stop, I can recommend a good counsellor......
  9. Hey, at least it's better than the Hoff!!!

    BTW, Chuck would kick the Hoff's arse...
  10. ..with a roundhouse kick, I believe.....
  11. to the head... or maybe even break his spine with a roundhouse kick to the arse.

    Chuck Norris' shins are so conditioned, when the hoist at his local mechanic broke, they asked him to use his shins to lift their cars.

  12. Chuck Norris for President?
  13. I must be missing something here. Whats with the Chuck fetish?

    Now the Hoff, i could understand that, but Chuck Norris??? :D
  14. Don't go comparing the Hoff to Chuck Norris, or you may just wake up to the sound of someone roundhouse kicking their way through your brick wall.

  15. These havent been posted, i think

    4. chuck norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparallelled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. the devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. they now play poker every second wednesday of the month

    7. chuck norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. he then shouted "how dare you rhyme in the presence of chuck norris" and ripped out her throat. holding his girlfriends bloody throat in his hand he bellowed "don't f*ck with the chuck!" Two years and 5 months later he realised the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that everyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

    8. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 ounce steaks in an hour. He spent the first 50 of those minutes screwing his waitress

    9. To prove it isn't that big a deal to beat cancer, chuck norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer, only to rid them from his body by flexing his muscles for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong

    10. the chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

    14. There are no disabled people, only people who have angered chuck norris

    16. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his Dad did.

    17. Chuck Norris won Jumanji without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living sh1t out of everything that was thrown at him and the game forfeited.

    20. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't pluck up the courage to tell him

    21. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse.... horses are hung like chuck norris

    22. after much debate, president truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending chuck norris. His reasoning? It was more humane

    23. Chuck Norris doesn't shave, he kicks himself in the face. the only thing that can cut chuck norris is chuck norris

    25. the quickest way to a mans heart is with chuck norris's fist

    26. chuck norris owns neither microwave nor oven. when he is hungry, he simply shouts "BAKE" at his food, and out of fear it instantly catches fire

    27. One day chuck norris looked in the mirror and said "no one outstares chuck!". He is still there to this day