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Chilli Judging

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Iffracem, May 11, 2005.

  1. I know a lot of Netriders frequent OCAU.mc as well, and may have seen this before, but for the others out there..... enjoy


    A Texas Chilli Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you

    **Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park.

    The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada.

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

    Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy 5hit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t- faced from all of the beer.

    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb b*tch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f*rted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

    Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I f*rted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a*se with a snow cone.

    Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like sh*t to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot.Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 f*rted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

    Contest Over
  2. I have lost count of the times I have read that, yet every time I end up with tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard.
  3. Yeah.. I have it printed and stuck to the wall, but it's a real classic

  4. thats gold, and i just had a curry for lunch :)
  5. ROFL and that about all I can say as I can't see the screan for all the tears rolling down my face!
  6. It's not a good one to read at work. People wonder why I'm giggling to myself and trying to laugh really quietly, I must look like a loon.
  7. For those that actually do like their food spicy (like me :D)... try a Blairs Death Sauce... or even better Blairs 6am ;)
    At 16,000,000 scoville's its likely to cause some serious pain.
    I know that when i tried Blairs 3am at a measely 2,000,000 scoville it was all i could do to speak. A serious dose of this was enough to actually kick in some of the symptoms described above; such as slight loss of hearing, pins & needles in your arms and legs, and some serious numbness to your face and nose. ;)

    Blair's Hottest Sauces in the World

    I just love the fact that almost all of these have the warning "Not to be used as a sauce, treat with caution and use only as a food additive."
  8. ah that always brings a tear to my eye
  9. That's funny as!
  10. Finally, something to put tear gas into perspective :D
  11. pure gold, I am still crying with laughter!!!
  12. What a great laugh... needed that... :)