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Cat's Vs Dogs

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by WGM, Nov 23, 2007.


    7 am- Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
    8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
    9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
    Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!
    2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
    3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
    4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
    6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favourite!
    7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
    8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
    9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
    11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favourite!


    Day 183 of my captivity...

    My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
    They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
    The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild
    satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
    house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
    feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at
    the top of the stairs.

    In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again
    induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their
    bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an
    attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike
    fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
    good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

    There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
    solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the
    noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my
    confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called
    "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
    I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The
    dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
    obviously a half-wit.

    The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with
    them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
    current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can
    wait. It's only a matter of time...
  2. Great old piece that still draws a smile from me, as does this device...


    Then there's the ever-humorous How to Bathe a Cat:

    1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

    2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

    6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.


    The DOG

  3. :rofl: to both!!! Heard the bathing the cat one before, but the carry bar is ingenius!!!! I LOVE it!!! My brother and I were in stitches!!!!!

    Thanks :p