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Bread the latest health scare

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by helina handbasket, Apr 21, 2005.

  1. Research on bread indicates that:

    1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
    2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
    score below average on standardized tests.
    3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
    the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality
    rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and
    diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole

    4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours
    of eating bread.
    5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven
    that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse.
    The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

    6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
    incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
    7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread
    and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two
    8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
    items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
    9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more
    than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your
    body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into
    a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

    10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
    11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit!
    That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
    12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
    between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical

    In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the
    following bread restrictions be made:

    1. No sale of bread to minors.
    2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV
    spots and bumper stickers.
    3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal
    ills we might associate with bread.
    4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal
    to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
    5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
  2. Let them eat cake!
  3. dont laugh
    if steve bracks has anything to do with it you will find a $50 levy on your bread and a FNP as well .
  4. dont say the B word groberts :evil:
  5. Surely that would want to remove all advertising and sponsorship of bread too?
  6. Yeah, except for in the F1's...
  7. To late! You conjured him up, and he's just announced a London Style 'Congestion Tax' for the city! For real!
    (won't affect us tho' - it's on parking!)
  8. bread is probably bad for us... its not really natural.. just processed shit that we cant eat raw

    Im sure if you ate only meat vegetables fruits and nuts, you would kick the shit out anyone eating bread.
    bread, rice, pasta and all that shit are make believe.


    horray for meat
  9. LMAO Manny!

    I love the way you compare diets.

    Instead of just being healthier, you assault them.

    I reckon you should produce the next reality TV show :D