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Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by jstava, Mar 17, 2013.
Why did the bogan cross the road?
To beat the crap out of a complete stranger for no reason at all.
Fifty Shades of Mt Druitt
Even though he only had one tattoo I yearned him to fill the lonely hours between Dr Phil and days of our lives. as he approached me with his pasty white arms hanging out of a Nike vest,his smile told me it was dole day, and I knew my velour track suit would be hanging off the lampshade tonight. As I stood in line at centrelink, thinking up reasons why I can't work, a sweet smell drifted past my pig like nostrils. It was a mixture of weed, sweat and lynx Africa! I turned and there he was Dwayne, with his pants halfway down his arse,our eyes met and he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind the Rec Centre. He had already tied his staffy to a post in an alleyway so we would not be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it did not bother us, just added to the mystery. I knew then that this was love and my life would never be the same again. I made a promise to him there and then that I would buy him a plasma with the baby bonus.....
so that's where i went wrong...i didn't stop at one tattoo =/
Sheila 1: yeah I gots like 7 kids ay
Sheila 2: hows do yous remember all their names?
Sheila 1: i haves called them all Dylan
Sheila 2: but what do you call out when you just want one of them?
Sheila 1: easy, I just call their surname !
Please stop. I have to live with this.
What do youthful bogans use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter
How does a Bogan turn the light on after sex? Opens the car door.
Why do Bogan girls wear knickers? Keeps their ankles warm.
A bogan walked into the Centerlink office, marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The worker behind the counter looked at him and replied:
'Your timing is excellent. We just have a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 30 year old daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll be provided with a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, wide-eyed, says, 'You're bullshitting me!
The Centerlink worker says, 'Yeah, well ... you started it.'
I couldn't watch Cath and Kim, because it reminded me so much of Casula Mall.
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's own ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the foyer and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit and clean footy jumper creates a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yeah" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
3. When sending your ‘Missus’ down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Before I moved to Geraldton we used to shop occasionally at Fountain Gate. For those not from the outer East of Melbourne, yes there is one not far from Cranbourne. I found watching Kath and Kim a bit like watching David Attenborough, until the bogans at work started repeating the not so funny lines thinking it was funny.
Ermahgerd, I went there once to get some party nibbles on the way to a friends place. Oh the accents, it was insane. They all seemed to be shockingly overweight too.
Lycra abuse was common in Casula mall too.
never a good thing!
What is the correct title for the bogan woman in the white track suit?
What do you call a bogan in a track suit with matching top and bottoms?
Why do seagull have wings?
To beat the bogans to the rubbish tip.
God this all sounds like Frankston!
A real bogan when mowing the front yard finds a car
A real bogan has a house that is mobile and three cars that are not.
A real bogan has married three times and has not had to change his in-laws yet.