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Bible Questions

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by pete the freak, May 7, 2007.

  1. ***DISCLAIMER***
    Found this when I clicked on a link that Inci provided in the "This I believe" thread. I only just stopped myself from posting it in that thread, and thought I might be better off putting it in jokes instead.

    These are joke question, I don't really intend killing my neighbour (have thought about it once or twice), and I don't want to offend any of the more devout members of Netrider. So if you think you might be offended, don't read on...


    1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

    2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

    4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

    6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

    7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle- room here?

    8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

    9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
  2. Pete you are sooo going to burn in hell!

    See you there. :LOL:
  3. Pete, when you get an answer to No2 please pm me..... :wink:
  4. Must have been a funny old world in Moses' day.

    I DO like the one about the neighbours complaining about the odour of the sacrifice :LOL:.
  5. Whats he asking?? Tell him he's dreaming!! :LOL: :LOL:
  6. Is that the voice of experience there Paul? :p :LOL:
  7. No, but I HAVE done some pretty awful backyard barbeques :LOL:....
  8. I always knew that polyester/cotton suits were an abomination unto the Lord! :wink:

    And where's the one about Pineapple on a Pizza - that deserves stoning as well... :LOL:
  9. That'd be Paul first letter to the Sicilians I believe. Also addressed were the theological issues relating to the carrying of machine guns in violin cases...
  10. Damnation to the fierey brimstone depths for anyone who wears socks with sandals, I beleive is addressed in the untill now unknown Letters to Chuck.
  11. Well there goes 90% of the Christians that I know :LOL: :LOL:
  12. And i'll have a couple of bikes waiting for yaz,

    Pete if i cant aford your daughter will you take mine as part payment, or if mines better looking i'll give you credit for the diferance.

    Dont wory about the pig skin, foot ball will be banned to free up time for riding, fornicating and drinking.

    Dont worry about the people next door, if they dont like the smell of dead meat on a BBQ there probably Hindus and as such will be reincarneted post haste anyway (or they will move to London)

    The slaves and the menstural problem will sort it's self out as you can have a choice of female slaves (other than Canadian ones aparently) at any time of the month.

    Cya in Hell boys :grin: