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Bible banter

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by Tweetster, Jul 29, 2009.

  1. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
    Some Bible humour
    A. Ruthless.

    Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
    A. German Shepherds.

    Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
    A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

    Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
    A. Samson. He brought the house down

    Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
    A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

    Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
    A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

    Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
    A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.



    Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
    A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
     
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  2. I didn't understand about 90% of them.
     
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  3. I heard about 80% of those 40 years ago in sunday school I think...
     
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  4. Good clean fun! :LOL:
     
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  5. I understood all of them

    and have about 100 more,,,,,
     
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  6. Do tell, I love religious jokes :)
     
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  7. I think I will be right.
     
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  8. The young minister heard that a revered preacher was going to be in his congregation for the morning service, so he laboured diligently over his sermon, and delivered it with great passion and conviction. He couldn't wait to get to the door to seek the great man's opinion.

    "Well", the old preacher said, "It reminded me of the peace and the mercy of God."

    Incredibly flattered, the young preacher asked the older man to elaborate.

    "Well", he said, "It reminded me of the peace of God, because it passed all understanding, and it reminded me of the mercy of God, because I though it was going to endure forever!"

    **Some knowledge of the King James translation of the Scriptures will help here....
     
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  9. ...got me stumped!!!!..... :shock:
     
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  10. Nope, no idea here, but I've really only glanced at the King James translation, mostly I was exposed to either the Good News Bible or the revised standard version.
     
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  11. Biblical Bumper Stickers

    Adam: "You are what you eat."

    Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."

    Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."

    Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."

    Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."

    Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

    Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"

    Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."

    At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"

    At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
     
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  12. Essentially, it was boring, he couldnt understand it and thought it would never end.

    Dont really know the direct quotes. "The peace of God surpasses all understanding (of man?)" and "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His mercy endures forever"

    The second one is verse one of Psalm 136. The second sentence is repeated 25 times in the remaining 25 verses of the psalm. I think its a song of ascent.
     
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  13. "Christian's retirement benefits are out of this world"
     
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  14. Two novices and a mother superior tragically died in a car accident (while speeding to help the pope with his broken wrist) and found themselves at the pearly gates.

    St Peter greeted them heartily and said that in order to get in, they'd need to answer some questions from the bible.

    So St Peter says to the first novice, "what was the name of the first man?"

    the novice said "oh that is easy - Adam!"

    "in you go!" says st peter. He then asked the second novice "what was the name of the first woman?"

    The second novice says "Eve!"

    "Right! you're in" says St Peter.

    St Peter then turns to the mother superior and says "because of your position, I will have to ask you a slightly more difficult question".

    Fair enough, thinks the mother superior.

    St Peter asks "what was the first thing that eve said to adam?"

    The mother superior scratches her chin for a minute, obviously puzzled. "Thats a hard one" she says.

    "You're in!" says st peter.
     
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  15. One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to
    heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself.

    The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if
    there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more
    comfortable, please let me know."

    The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
    life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a
    hard wooden floor."

    The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and
    a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

    A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
    farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the
    Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

    The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
    We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with
    brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do
    you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have
    to run anymore?"

    The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse
    with beautiful new roller skates.

    About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat
    and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

    The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are
    things since you got here?"

    The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is
    wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And
    those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
     
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  16. This certainly beats Random Banter :LOL:
     
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  17. ... good clean fun eh Kinks!!!!.....

    :p
     
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  18. I've heard the visual version of the Noah joke before, Tweetes, but I LOVE the cartoon!
     
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