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best offensive riding techniques

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by philmydang, Mar 18, 2011.

  1. Not that I ever condone this sort of activity, but I'm sure there are certain individuals on this forum to whom this question applies.

    What is your technique of choice for knocking off mirrors/drivers/annoying pedestrians/letterboxes?

    Do you use the trusty lefthanded coathanger, stand on your pegs to deliver a roundhouse kick through the window etc..?

    Just thought it'd make for an interesting read - feel free to move this to jokes and humour if you higher beings think its neccesary.

  2. Ball peen hammer in a holster down the side of the forks. Gotta grab it by the head, pull it out, flip it in the air and catch the handle. (Look like a legend if you pull it off, look like a bit of a goose if you drop it.) Body panel adjustment - as a proxy for attitude adjustment - may then proceed at leisure.

    (Having a plausible maintenance reason for carrying the hammer can avert impertinent enquiries from the gendarmerie.)
  3. I approve of this topic.
  4. Work on your flexibility .. A mate of mine was pushed into a concrete barrier at relatively slow speed by a driver on her phone, he palmed his way off the wall until the shoulder opened up, kicked the gear down, foot up to the left grip and released the clutch and kicked her mirror clean off.

    Not that I condone that sort of reaction - it's exactly the sort of thing cagers love to describe to their friends about those 'awful, aggressive motorcycle riders' who vandalised her vehicle. They wouldn't hear that she sandwiched him - I'd bet she didn't even know. What a retard.
  5. Well, whatever you do, consider that another biker may soon come along, and he has to live with the consequences of whatever action you took and left for him to deal with. No biggie for me but L riders and newbs, might not appreciate it.
  6. Or karma may come home to roost a little sooner...

    There was a story doing the rounds when I was a callow faced youth in Kings Cross in '79, about the enterprising chap who got sick of blind cagers and fitted a holder inside his fairing, fabricated from a pair of bicycle clips, which held - primed and ready - a can of iridescent knock-your-eye-out pink spray paint. Seems this provided some satisfaction, and not a little amusement for a few weeks, as he added a wavy pink racing stripe up the side of numerous cars who deserved it, but our hero ran foul of the laws of average one afternoon, when the car which cut him off and needed some tasteful duco realignment, just happened to contain three plain cloths detectives... If you've seen the Rodney King video, you've got the idea...
  7. good idea actually though. if we all carried a small can of spray paint the same colour.
    mark the cars that are likely to present a danger with a small X on the back or something.
    as a warning for other riders to be wary of the driver.
    it's only paint, i think a fair and reasonable non violent solution

    personally i don't kick mirrors, as i feel this can antagonize drivers, but i do have steel toe sliders , so if they come too close, i can claim the damage on the doors was caused by them hitting my footpeg.
  8. Pull behind them, power into a wheelie and ride up the back, over their roof and down their bonnet.


    A simple horn and flip a finger.
  9. I kicked a car door once, when I was 16, and the guy did not know I was there, and he started to jerk the wheel right - into me - before he figured out which side the noise had come from and reversed the lock... He was a couple of feet away when I kicked him, and he changed direction about two inches away ... He wasn't trying to do it, it wasn't deliberate, he just had no idea I was there and jumped the wrong way. It could easily have been much worse for both of us.
  10. The most ... emphatic piece of driver education I ever saw, was undertaken by my one time mate PJ. I got to know PJ because we both had CB900 Bol d'ors, his an F2 and mine a naked. His had a braced frame (good idea) and a ported head (not such a good idea.) PJ had the first two fingers of his right hand missing from the first knuckle, the result of an earlier accident. One day I was riding with him when an old bloke pulled out in front, and way too late saw PJ and propped - exactly blocking the lane, with oncoming traffic. So PJ performed a pretty much textbook emergency stop, with about a metre to spare from the driver's door. He very deliberately took the time to get the bike down to first gear, switched the motor off, put the bike on the stand and walked over to the driver's window, which he tapped on in a deliberate and calm but menacing way, circular motion with the fingers. So the old bloke is sitting there with big eyes and open mouth, and after a pause, he gingerly reached over and rolled the window down. He sat there with his mouth open, big puppy-dog eyes, his wife sitting beside him, mouth open, big puppy-dog eyes, both expecting to cop some dire verbal abuse. But that's not what happened.

    PJ slowly lifted up his right hand, still wearing the glove, and slowly reached up with his other hand and gripped the empty fingers of the right glove, and very slowly and deliberately bent them back until they touched the back of his hand. The eyes got bigger and the mouths opened wider. Then as quick as a wink, PJ punched the old bloke in the mouth, and he had a little sleep on his wife's lap, and PJ very deliberately walked back to the bike, got on it, and rode off. Last I saw the car was still there and the old bloke was still sleepy.

    Now personally, I think that was a bit over the top and uncalled-for, but I know this - nobody who saw it, and that was quite a few, will ever forget what they saw.
  11. Brilliant idea!

    Especially if it was water soluable :D
  12. I had a mate who used to pop a wheelie and drop the front wheel on the boot of offending cars
    Makes a real big dent, hahahahahahaha

    I went to a Triple wedding on the Banks of the Yarra in Mebourne,

    When we left we had about five cop cars in tow, They stopped the traffic at Swan Street as 200 bike loads when through the red light, cops waved us through, Nice fella's.

    We were going along Punt road towards St Kilda, SLOWLY,

    This brain dead clod in a car came past all the cops and bikes and chopped off the first rider,

    Keeping in mind, That there were about 8 different patch groups riding that day. All with patches showing, Chains, swastika's, deaths heads, Skulls, the full bit,

    The first bike scorched away,

    Then this clod did it to the second bike,

    He scorched away out of harms way as well,

    Then this fuc#ing Moron did it to a third bike, He certainly had every ones attention by this time,

    He certainly had made his point clear, I am trying to kill a Bikie,

    So as we went over the river and up the punt road hill, All the bikes spread out into two single lines,
    one each side of the car,

    as we went up the hill, this Moron got hit with every thing that was conceivable,

    The car was a total write off by the time we got to the top of the hill,

    He also would have copped a good whacking from bike chains, Feet, fists, Etc Etc Etc,

    The car loads of cops never did a thing, They just sat at the back off the group,

    I dont know if they stopped the Moron in the car, We were gone by this time,

    I really dont think he will ever do that again.
  13. My brother is a firie and if they have to get into a wrecked car to rescue someone they break a window using an automatic centre punch. It shatters the window without spraying broken glass everywhere, much safer than a hammer. They're only a few bucks at the hardware store, very portable and require very little pressure to operate.
    Just saying.
  14. Yes, I've used one of those, but not on a car window...
  15. Deadman, I nearly ran foul of a run like that. I was on an XT600 trailie, and I'd just finished work, midday saterday, so I had my high vis shirt and blue work pants, steelcaps, and there was about one decent mid ~ high speed corner in the whole 16km commute - so I'd worked out a little loop to take me back through it a few times. So after about 3 laps, I came around this bend, which is a freeway on-ramp, to find myself smack in the middle of about 800 harlies, and to make matters worse, they had the police escort ahead and behind, so they were all pretty much doing what they were supposed to be, and here's me turning up in the middle doing ... let's say about twice what I was supposed to be ... and then the group stopped to consolidate. So I waffled and tried to look for a way out, and a guy on a hog buzzed me because he'd seen my arrival as buzzing him, and another guy came over and looked me up and down and said "Mate - I'd f#ck off if I were you."
    "Yeah, I was just thinking something like that myself."
    There was an exit up into the bus depot, and I only had to cut a few yards of grass to get on it, and a little ditch, but trail bikes are good for that ...
    Talk about turn up at the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong way... I suppose in their view I was some d1ckhead straight dirtbike riding t00l who rides like a lunatic, trying to crash their party and make like I'm one of the righteous brothers. That was possibly correct on most counts, but mate - there were very few places I'd less like to be than there.
  16. Kneedragon, Hahahahahahahahaha, Wrong place at the wrong time, They were probably pissed off with the unwanted escort, Not particulary you,
  17. Oh mate, they didn't like me at all. I fit in that group like a transvestite running on with the Souths Rabbitos.
    "Whoops! Isn't this the Abba revival party?"
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  19. That's one of the more stupid ideas I've heard of. It would only take a bad ricochet to get it back in your face.