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Beer Drinkers Troubleshooting Guide.

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by nobby, Jun 20, 2005.

  1. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
    FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
    ACTION: Punch him.

    SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in
    FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
    ACTION: See if they have free beer.

    SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
    FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

    SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
    FAULT: Improper bladder control.
    ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

    SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
    FAULT: Glass empty.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
    FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
    ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

    SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
    FAULT: You have fallen forward.
    ACTION: See above.

    SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
    FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
    ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

    SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
    FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
    ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

    SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
    FAULT: You are being carried out.
    ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

    SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
    FAULT: Bar has closed.
    ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

    SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
    FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
    ACTION: Cover mouth.

    SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
    FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
    ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

    SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
    FAULT: You have been in a fight.
    ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

    SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
    FAULT: The beer is too weak.
    ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

    SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
    FAULT: Beer is just right.
    ACTION: Play air guitar.

    SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
    FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
    ACTION: Up the dosage.

    SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
    FAULT: You've been walking into things.
    ACTION: Maintain dosage.

    SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
    FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
    ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

    SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
    FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
    ACTION: It's too late, you made a prat of yourself!