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Basic Rules for driving in Canberra (long, funny but true!)

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by pringa8, Apr 10, 2007.


    1. Indicators will give away your next move. A real Canberra driver never uses them.

    2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in that space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

    3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going with the flow."

    4. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit.

    5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive repairs. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

    6. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

    7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

    8. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Canberra.

    9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre.

    10. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours, especially 4WD drivers.

    11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Canberra is the home of High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to the Urban services, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes, not forgetting the 'Test your skill' chicanes in suburbs.

    12. It is traditional in Canberra to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

    13. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

    14. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

    15. Remember that the goal of every Canberra driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

    16. Real Canberra women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

    17. Real Canberra men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 95 kph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

    18. Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for panel beaters, junkyards, and new vehicle sales. It is an acceptable practice to increase your speed in comparison to the rate of rain fall, i.e.: the harder it rains, the faster you go.

    19. There is a commonly held belief in Canberra that high-speed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.

    20. It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because, hell - they have brakes.

    21. It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of his passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around The Causeway, Lower Kambah, Lower Wanniassa, Scullin, Areas of Ainslie, and Oaks Estate.

    22. Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one-way street.

    23. It's O.K when driving in Belconnen's suburbs to air your grievances at bad drivers by giving the "one finger salute" while screaming out "#%*#".

    However, it is imperative you are driving at least a 5-litre V8 with a crow bar in your lap.

    24. Canberra drivers are experts at merging, when in two or more lanes travelling in the same direction, ensure that if you see someone politely indicating, waiting slowly trying to merge into your lane, show them that they must 'Wait their turn' to use your lane. Speed up, try to cut them off, should they succeed and get into your lane never mind that it was actually legal for them to do that, ensure that your flash your lights, honk your horn, use extreme hand gestures, even tailgate them, just to let them know, IT WAS YOUR LANE.

    25. Ensure that when merging into traffic travelling at any more than 40kph that you stop in the merging lane, backing up traffic for miles behind you, ensuring that you have given yourself or no-one else that opportunity to merge. Again, forget that the traffic handbook states that you should speed up to meet traffic speed then merge. If you are travelling in a lane near a merge lane, don't change lanes to make it easy for them, instead see rule 24, after all they deserve it.

    26. While using Canberra roundabouts, particularly two lane roundabouts, ENSURE that you are in the left lane to turn right, or the right to turn left, hell lets keep those people in those other lanes on their toes.

    27. If you are an Action bus driver, you must win at all costs, getting to your destination prior to any other driver is life and death. Never worry about your passengers bouncing round in the back like tennis balls, hell it's a cheap form of theme park, in fact Canberra's very own.

    28. Canberra Cabs, see rule 27, except you are now qualifying for the GMC 400.

    29. Pedestrian crossings - What are they?

    30. If you are a cyclist, remember YOU ARE INVINCIBLE, you are stronger than ANY vehicle travelling at speed, MAKE SURE you take the whole lane for yourself, and at night NEVER use lights, remember They Will See You!
  2. Bah! Canberra has the most laid back and courteous drivers I've ever come across!
    Go live in Sydney or Newcastle for a few years and get back to me!

    Regards, Andrew.
  3. It's pretty laid back in Canberra compared to Sydney - i've been to both so i can compare. Ive been riding a bicycle on the roads of Canberra and i can say its pretty laid back.
  4. Man, you guys need to live here for a while! I'd rather ride in Sydney ANY day compared to here!
  5. Ummm, I do. I used to commute Wamboin- Belconnen every day.....
    I now commute Wamboin-Fyshwick. I used to drive a ute around Belconnen every other day, as far afield as Gungahlin and Tuggeranong.
    My statement stands.
    At least Canberrans know how to merge, leave a gap for people merging etc. They even tailgate a lot less.

    Regards, Andrew.
  6. Drivers are the same everywhere. In Sydney you have to put up with shit drivers and infinitely shitter roads.
  7. I don't think so.

    I lived in ACT for a few years and they are the equal worst (with Victoria)drivers in Australia.

    On an average day of commuting to work in ACT (10 minutes) I would see A car on its roof, a "Tbone", a rear ender and sometimes a couple of cars on fire & numerous 4x4s doing circle work on the Tuggeranong Fwy. At the moment I'm living in Townsville with the aboriginal shooting rednecks, however they are far better drivers & motorcycle aware, with superior common sense than drivers than Canb punters without a doubt. Having said that, running push bikes off the road here is a normal form of entertainment for the locals.
  8. Ive also seen this written for Perth drivers, Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane and Adelaide drivers.

    Lets put it this way: Most cagers can't drive properly.
  9. Good point Fricken',

    Ive travelled a fair bit of Australia and have driven in Melb, Perth, Adelaide, Sydney, Canberra and here (Townsville) of course. Out of all of those places I reckon Its best to ride a motorcycle in Townsville, not because of the good weather and not because of the lack of heavy traffic (compared to Sydney or Melb) it is because car drivers here are more skilled at civil driving and have much better common sense than the drivers of the cities above. Townsville drivers, pat yourselves on the back and keep up the least bad :) work. The way it was when I drove in the above capital cities Sydney was the best with Canberra & Melb. sharing the worst.

    I can honestly say my opinion on this is unbiased as I am Melb born and bred.
  10. Holy poop! I'm moving to Canberra soon :shock:
  11. Not near as bad as anywhere else I've lived. I duno where that person above lived, but it wasn't Canberra.

    Regards, Andrew.
  12. i get around a bit.
    NT drivers are the worst IMO.
    closely followed by anyone from the MIA in NSW, they dont have corners out there, and every ever-so-slight "kink" in the road has skidmarks.

    canberrans in the bay = melbournistanians in merimbula = sydneysiders in ulladulla etc.....
  13. WHAT??

    I found the NT to be the best place ever to drive

    there is NO tailgating, no honking of horns every 3 seconds
    the worst time to drive in Darwin is during tourist season!!
    ahhhh hated the dry season with a passion just for that alone

    Though the cars sent to the NT for people to own do not seem to have indicators as a standard vehicle feature and they have never learnt to get the hell out of the right hand lane!!! I mean really the left hand lane can be completely empty for km's and yet there is this long trail of vehicles in the right....

    and then you have the young defence member hoons......

    We have lived in every capital city in Australia because of Phils job as well as regional areas such as Townsville, Wodonga, Broome blah blah and Darwin has been the easiest to drive
    plus peak hour traffic to the city taking 10 minutes is a plus too for a capital city :wink:

  14. I will say that townsville drivers can't merge. Other then that they are fairly decent :p
  15. No.... it's true!!!!! Kambah was just one of the suburbs of Canberra I lived, and the last time I was there for 2 days and I saw about 4 car accidents (and Canb is not much more than a country town) & a 4x4 doing circle work in a park in broad daylight. Put a Canberran in a 4 wheeled vehicle and He/she automaticly needs an exorcism.
  16. Canberra drivers were okay... But their stupid 'Merge without warning' system is a little scary.

    On a whole they're better than Sydney drivers. A little more laid back.
  17. That's cause they can't merge! I've seen infinte examples of less than five cars almost coming to a standstill attempting to merge and stopping the traffic behind.

    Canberra drivers are so laid back, they're almost alseep!! :LOL: Seriously though, I think cause its so easy to get around Canberra and drivers are never challenged by road conditions, that people just switch off. There's not many occasions when you have to be on the ball so to speak, unlike towns with heavy traffic, thin roads, etc.