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Aviation Maintenance Log Messages ~ Funny !

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by Nickers330, Nov 10, 2011.

  1. Okay, we've all heard and read of some of the most humiliating messages Pilots (P) have written in Aircraft Maintenance Logbooks over the years, and the hilarious remarks by Engineers (E). Lost in translation, much ?

    Here are some. Feel free to add more...

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    E: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    E: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    E: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    E: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    E: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    E: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    E: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    E: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    E: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    E: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    E: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    E: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    E: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    E: Cat installed.

    And the best one for last..................

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    E: Took hammer away from midget

    • Like Like x 11
  2. Solid gold. Loved it!
  3. P: Number 3 engine missing.
    E: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    the sort of stupid response I wish I had written :LOL: :LOL:
  4. Ah yes. This list which has appeared in many guises, the most recent (probably on here somewhere) being that of Qantas pilots/LAMEs. And funny that passenger aircraft don't have IFF transponders...
  5. IFF would be a good thing to have if you're flying your civilian passenger airliner anywhere near US warships ...
  6. Nice ones Nick. :p
  7. hahah, nice. Just the kind of belly laugh I needed.
  8. Gawd... welcome to err... circa 1990?
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Really good comebacks never go out of date or out of style.

    John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich, introduced and mocked his young friend John Wilkes, in about 1750, saying " ... all that remains to be seen is whether he dies on the gallows, or of the pox." to which Wilkes quickly replied "That does rather depend on whether I embrace your lordship's morals or his mistress."
    • Like Like x 3
  10. And some more......

    P : Whining sound heard on engine shutdown
    E : Pilot removed from aircraft

    P : Turn and slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns
    E : Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

    P: Loose headspace in radio selector.
    E: Loose headspace is on the other end of the knob

    • Like Like x 1
  11. Not strictly maintenance related, but anyway, something for those of us with aviation knowldege...I recently came across a thread on a Pilot's forum with an amusing collection of stories about some not particularly intelligent passengers and cabin crew.
    Some samples...

    Enjoy :)
    • Like Like x 1
  12. A few that I liked...

    • Like Like x 6
  13. ^^^Classics. All 3
  14. Who says there are sm@rt @rses working in towers in this country?
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Hahaha...keep 'em coming..Pearlas !
    That Russian 'Vodka-Burner' clip cracks me up each time ! Thanks for bringing that back Kneedragon ! :)
  16. While we're on a roll with actual aviation events, here's one involving a buddy of mine during his First Officer (FO) training with a new outfit, Adelaide based (at the time)..

    The FO was conducting his Line Training as a new regional airline turboprop First Officer, all sectors being carried out in Adelaide, where he was based.
    One day, alongside his Training Captain, he made an absolute mess of his landing, resulting in life jackets falling out from overhead lockers. Apparently, some exhibits of the 'rubber jungle' (oxygen masks) managed to fall also. You get my drift - it was a shocker !
    Apart from the usual comments from disembarking passengers such as 'Was that a landing or were we shot down ?!' or 'Did we run out of fuel before touchdown ?!' etc, the Flight Attendant, a very bubbly and extremely assertive female approached the pilots in the cockpit and asked :

    'Ummm guys... do you call THAT a landing ?! Who's responsible for THAT one ?

    The Training Captain, offloading the entire blame toward the FO, was seen looking out his (left) window whilst pointing to his right directly at the FO. Naturally embarrassed, the humble FO in training apologised, claiming he was very new in the company (and on aircraft type) and simply botched it up. She proceeded to tell him not to worry, as even the experienced guys (even Captains) would produce a shocker once in a while. She could back up her statement with many years & high seniority in that company.

    Before leaving the cockpit, she asked the pilots if they could next time provide her with a little more 'notice' just before touchdown. As this was not a Standard Operating Procedure, this naturally confused them both. They asked for clarification.

    So she replied :

    'If you could order (over the PA) 'Clench' just before touchdown, it would give me a chance to be ready and not accidentally shoot my tampon and hit a passenger square between the eyes like I did today"

    Apparently, there was an Indian lady aboard.

    (apologies for nature of joke - tis indeed a true story and no racial discrimination is intended whatsover)
  17. One of our unofficial SOPs at our flight school -
    Instructor - "What would be the first thing you do for *insert in flight emergency here*"
    Student - "Handing over"
  18. "In the event of an emergency it may be necessary to eject from the aircraft. You will find one ejection handle above your head and the other between your knees. In the event that you need to use them, I will say 'EJECT - EJECT - EJECT!'"

    "You'll say it three times?"

    "No. I'll say it twice. The third one will be an echo."

    Hey Knickers - tell 'em what happens if you select reverse pitch at cruise speed. [wink]

    "Now don't push that button until I tell you!"

    "Which button? This one?"
  19. Not quite so side splittingly funny, but interesting - When the Top Gun movie came out, a reporter tracked down an old US Navy Tomcat jockey, and asked what he thought. The pilot said he enjoyed it, it was good entertainment. Several questions, and finally the journo asks -

    "What's the hardest part about being a real fighter pilot?"

    "As opposed to ... that movie?"


    "Ok, well in the movie, every time he got into a situation, he went John Wayne. The hard thing in real life is to know when to go John Wayne, and when to go Dorris Day."
    • Like Like x 1