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Aussie rules humour

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Woodsy, Jun 30, 2006.

  1. Q. What do you do for a drowning Collingwood player?

    A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.

    Q. What's the difference between Collingwood and an arsonist?

    A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.
    Collingwood are bringing out a new bra! Plenty of support, soft and No
    Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?

    They had pictures of Collingwood players on them. People couldn't figure
    out which side to spit on.
    Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Collingwood

    The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save
    his family from the embarrassment.
    Four surgeons are taking a coffee break.

    The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when
    you open them up everything inside them is numbered."

    The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything
    inside them is in alphabetical order."

    Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is

    The fourth one says, "I prefer Collingwood players. They're heartless,
    spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable
    A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off
    and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

    He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?"

    "Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Nathan Buckley".

    "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the
    leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt ?"

    "Well, he tried to escape through the park."
    Q. If you see a Collingwood fan on a bicycle, why should you never
    swerve to hit him?

    A. It could be your bicycle.

    Q. What do Collingwood fans and sperm have in common?

    A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
    Q. What do you have when 100 Collingwood fans are buried up to their
    necks in sand?

    A. Not enough sand.
    Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead
    Collingwood fan on the road?

    A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
    Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a
    Collingwood fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?

    A. Shoot the Collingwood fan - twice.
    Q. How many Collingwood fans does it take to change a light bulb?

    A. Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make excuses and
    Mick Malthouse to say that if the umpire had done his job in the first
    place the light bulb would never have gone out.

    Q. What's the difference between a female Collingwood fan and a Pit

    A. Lipstick
    Q. Santa Claus , the tooth fairy , an intelligent Collingwood fan, and
    an old drunk are walking down the street together when they
    simultaneously spot a $100.00 note. Who gets it?

    A. The drunk, of course ; the other three are mythical creatures.
    Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a Collingwood Fan?

    A. A Doberman.
    Q. What do Collingwood Fans use for birth control?

    A. Their personalities.
    Q. What is the difference between an Collingwood Fan and a trampoline?

    A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
    Q. What do you call 5000 dead Collingwood Fans at the bottom of the

    A. A good start.
    A Collingwood fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his
    Collingwood jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St
    Peter in a St Kilda scarf.

    "Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Collingwood fans in

    "What?" exclaims the man, astonished.

    "You heard. No Collingwood fans."

    "But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Collingwood

    "Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"

    "Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to he
    starving children in Africa."

    "Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"

    "Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."

    "Hmmm. Anything else?"

    "Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."

    "Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with
    the governor."

    Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye
    and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your
    sixty bucks back, now piss off."
  2. I am so printing those out for the next time I see my Chiropractor. He's a collingwood fan and appreciates a good joke.
  3. Just make sure you give them over AFTER the sesion... otherwise it could hurt! :LOL:
  4. lol :grin: :grin:

    Cut, Pasted, emailed to mother and to sister. Will bedoing my own cooking and washing next time Im home, but its worth it. :grin: :grin:
  5. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

    thanks Woodsy!! :grin:

    Just emailed those to every collingwood supporter I know... :LOL:

    goes right up their with my shirt that says "I barrack for (can't mention name :wink: ) and anyone playing Collingwood" :cool:
  6. Must be either the Filth or the Scum (Carlton or Essendon), I would be ashamed as well :p
  7. I am ashamed... neither filth or scum coz they are Collingwood and Carlton :LOL: I barrack for the team who hasn't bothered to play footy for the last 12 rounds :oops:
  8. I think this thread is totally mis-named; everyone knows there's nothing even remotely funny about Aussie Rules! :LOL:
  9. I love the insurance ad on TV here with the bar full of Collingwood supporters where Collingwood is being thrashed and the barman is frantically ringing up to to take out insurance. :LOL:

    I should send it to my boss who's a Collingwood supporter but I think I'll wait till after my performance review on Friday :wink:

  10. :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

    This is gold. Just emailed it to every Collingwood supporter that I know (not that many people would admit to supporting Collingwood)

    :) :)
  11. There's not a lot of point in sending it to Collingwood supporters
    most of them couldn't read it anyway :p :p :LOL:
  12. Had my performance review already so I sent it on to my boss (Collingwood crazy...) :LOL: they somehow don't find it funny :?

    [EDIT:] Just worked out why they don't find it funny...