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Attorneys ... LMFAO

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' at netrider.net.au started by VCM, Jan 9, 2010.

  1. I dare you not to chuckle

    .. some of these had me in stitches

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court , word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

    WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I , Cathy?'

    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

    WITNESS: My name is Susan!


    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks..


    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

    WITNESS: No , I just lie there.


    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

    WITNESS: I forget..

    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

    WITNESS: We both do.

    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

    WITNESS: We do.

    ATTORNEY: You do?

    WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.


    ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


    ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

    WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.


    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

    WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTO RNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

    WITNESS: Getting laid


    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

    WITNESS: Yes.

    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

    WITNESS: None.

    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

    WITNESS: Your Honor , I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

    WITNESS: By death.

    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

    WITNESS: Take a guess.


    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

    WITNESS: No , this is how I dress when I go to work.


    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

    WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

    WITNESS: Oral..


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

    WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.


    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , before you performed the autopsy , did you check for a pulse?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

    WITNESS: No..

    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: So , then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

    WITNESS: No.

    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure , Doctor?

    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

    ATTORNEY: I see , but could the patient have still been alive , nevertheless?

    WITNESS: Yes , it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
  2. As stupid as those questions sound there is at times reason behind them.

    The purpose is to have the witness say something that the attorney wants them to say because you are not allowed to direct a witness or put words in their mouth.

    Also to remove any and all chance of possible ambiguity (Doubtfulness or uncertainty as regards interpretation)

    Yes I agree though some of the questions are very very basic and seem lame to the uninitiated
  3. :rofl:

    Man, and I used to think some of the IT used to get the silly questions
  4. piss funny =D>
  5. The last one is great
  6. Chuckled several times. Thanks VCM.
  7. OMG!! ...... they walk among us!! .... lol
  8. Awesome Mann....Need some more hanging....lol

    Rajveer Singh
    Attorney Directory
  9. Funny, it seems like it would be lame to the initiated, as well....
  10. very good, love the last one
  11. Love the balls on the person that asked "Are you shitting me?" in court!!