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are you guilty of abusing tech support?

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by jimmythehuman, Jan 30, 2006.

  1. 1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it
    buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,
    dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. Being techies, we don't
    have a life - and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of

    2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

    3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
    That way, you won't be there when we need to enter your password. It's
    nothing for us to remember 300 screen-saver passwords.

    4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's
    keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

    5. When I.T. support sends you an e-mail message with high importance, delete it at once. We send these things out as tests all the time.

    6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
    spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

    7. Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up
    and flags it as a rush delivery.

    8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
    electronics in it.

    9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer
    support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

    10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call
    computer support. We're collectors.

    11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T.
    person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the
    problem. We love a puzzle.

    12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have
    cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

    13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in
    a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by
    shortly?" That really motivates us.

    14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
    Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

    15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to
    all 688 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

    16. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly
    what you mean by "my thingy blew up".

    17. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.

    18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your
    dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were
    designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

    19. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the
    mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

    20. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes
    button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be
    doing it, would you?

    21. When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit
    uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up.
    We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

    22. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about
    that computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of
    professional expertise referred to as "crap."

    23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call
    I.T., support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task,
    and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a
    professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

    24. When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T.

    25. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T.
    Support. We love to hack.

    26. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary
    to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a
    third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

    27. When you receive a 30MB movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
    attachment. We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.

    28. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller
    chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the

    29. When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of
    computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you
    take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that
    cracks us up no end.

    30. When you lose your car keys, send an e-mail to the entire company.
    People out in Beijing like to keep abreast of what's going on.

    31. When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a
    Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends.

    32. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

    33. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office,
    leave the documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers
  2. You forgot the whole "call us up on the weekend when your home computer reports it has a virus. we have no life outside work."
  3. Why is this in the jokes section, I dont get it?
  4. My life is so pathetic. I need a real job. Bugger IT Support
  5. :LOL:

    personally i am amazed that people can even use their email to email support. those that cant call the line!! (that is after they call their 7 y/o son in skool to retrieve the phone number for support) :LOL: :LOL:
  6. Because it's a well-known industry joke......
  7. Oh its meant as a joke is it, I thought it was advice on .......
  8. There is no such thing as "guilty of abusing tech support". To be guilty, you need to be found so by a jury of your peers.

    What jury would convict? If anything, they'd give you a reward.
  9. Good point Chairman. The only jury to convict would certainly not be made up of the peers of the morons we get calling us for support. After all, peers of morons are morons too, right? :LOL:

    Worth a laugh - even if it's mostly true. :(
  10. My old boss (an info sys academic and ex-systems analyst ) moved offices recently. I found him sitting patiently in his new office waiting for the IT support person to turn up and plug in all the cables on his PC. "It's their job."
  11. Holy shit.

    That is scarily accurate. This is in the wrong section.
  12. definately wrong forum... this is no joke!

    nicelist though...i think ive encountered all of them at some stage
  13. I especially like number six.

    I really love eating my lunch at my desk because I have work to do, and at least three times a week a coworker will walk right up to me, while I have a mouth full of food and tells me how they've forgotten their password. You see, they forget things if they have to remember more than a couple of items. And they only type it like three times a day so who can blame them?
  14. Hah you forgot , number 34, especially where I work

    When you call IT Support, don't expect anyone to actually know what there doing

    :grin: :grin:
  15. Here's my favourite one that i've managed to sneak in a few times at previous jobs...

    "I can't open your website!"

    - "Well madam it's not MY website...
    ... i had to take MY website down at the request of the Federal Police."

    :cool: :LOL:
  16. We had a network outage today, called the 'status' line, and the message said that there was an internet access outage. Well thank you Captain Obvious. No reason for outage, no ide of when if would be back. If I hadn't done time on the other side of the phone, I probably would have made a smart arse phone call to the helpdesk.
  17. Hmmm lets see. Today. First day back for many staff and I had
    1) Staffmembers computer wont boot. Was switched off at wall. By staffmember.
    2) Library admin machine wont loginto library server. Library server turned off at wall. By the person who;s admin machine it was.
    3) What is it with Macs? No one who uses one can lift a damm keyboard without complaining about their bloody back
    4) New staffmember complaining she cannot log in. Nope she can;t. She has not been given an account yet.
    5) Staff member drops his home machine off, AGAIN. COmplains it reboots every time it starts up AGAIN. I plug it in and fire it up . It runs flawlessly all day. I check out the p0rn on it. And the stealthware. And tell him AGAIN its his goddamm power at home and he cannot reliably run everything in the house of one power supply. AGAIN he tells me that cannot be the case cos his IBM laptop runs of that powerpoint OK> Again I explain the difference in power draw. And this ex tradie carpenter and teacher AGAIN says he understands. He will be back next week.
    6) I explain to a dozen people that no the new print system aint up yet, I thought I might take a day or two off over christmas.
    7) I put both large printers on bypass. I have to exlain to several staff members that no I am not going to give em bypass plugs
    8) Hums need a printer moved 4 feet NOW or the world will collapse. I have to make a new patch lead and play with the NIC to get it to work. SOmehow I miss lunch. They ask if they can have a different color patch lead.
    9) THis is our last chance for the year to rationalise passwords, from totally random to something people have a chance to remember and dont have to write down. I ask everyone if they want to change passwds. The couple for which our list is wrong I ask what the current password is.. to put it in the file. One refuses to tell me. Her passwd now is 1HJgytKzzXC23KKJWQAZ

  18. you work for the education dept don't you. Which state.

    and peeps listen up.

    Don't leave 30 messages for me to call back and then go home at mid-day. You are not the only idiot who broke sh1t

    Rant over

    It was a long day
  19. A photo of the people you live with makes a workspace happier. Did you know that you look like your mum?
    Please find attached a hand-written copy of the core dump.
    See No 2. Try writing things down
    I want you to turn up before I go for coffee.
    Yeah. Like those ones at 9.59am that say “The system will be down for routine maintenance from 10.00am”.
    I think you meant drinking his lunch, and I didn’t realise that a can of Jolt counted as a meal. Sorry.
    It has an IP number. Its your problem.
    And we all know which office the suck holes are hiding in...
    Or a pizza crust
    Gotcha. From now on, I’ll be calling you before I answer any questions. Best leave this one to the experts
    Would this be like, going for coffee? I’ll try to squeeze my questions in between your lunch and your phone calls.
    Professional expertise? You’re the ones that shit yourselves over y2k. We just paid the bills.
    But what if it asks “are you sure?”
    As she doesn’t know anything about the problem, I’m transferring her to tech support.
    A memo like “WTF are you pointy-heads doing ringing your bank when you should be providing tech support?”
    I’m sorry. Did I interrupt your mental replay of Deep Space Nine?
  20. Ohhhhh Chairman. Wait till you see YOUR new password :)