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An Ode to Australia day

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by bretto61, Jan 25, 2012.

  1. WE ARE AUSTRALIANS! ('Nuff said!)

    We, the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) And although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to biatch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

    We are One Nation but we're divided into many States:

    First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand-final day and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that 'it's livable'…..at least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

    Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital, Sydney, has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

    Down south we have Tasmania, a state based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

    South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of the track caused the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

    Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. Its main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the Government and business.

    The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, Kangaroos, Jackaroos, Emus, Uluru and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminum content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the center piece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

    And there's Queensland ............While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed skeptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland- it's beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

    Oh yes, and there's Canberra . The less said the better.

    We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than mass murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition. Not that we're whingeing – we leave that to our Pommie immigrants.

    We want to make 'no worries mate' our national phrase, 'she'll be right mate' our national attitude and 'Waltzing Matilda' our national anthem. (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide?).

    We love sport so much our news readers can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby, AFL, roo-shooting, two-up and horse racing.

    We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

    We shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it.

    I am, you are, we are Australian.
    • Like Like x 9
  2. I like it.

    I'll be enjoying a cold beer or two at the Prince Albert Hotel in Williamstown tomorrow, I hear that there is an acoustic "all australian" gig on there tomorrow afternoon.

    25deg and sunny...Should be a perfect day.
  3. FAN BLOODY TASTIC LOL I sent it to my manager hopign she'll send it to all :)