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A few entertaining jokes, some even politically correct!

Discussion in 'Jokes and Humour' started by Spook`, Jan 30, 2014.

  1. An English lawyer went duck hunting in Truro . He shot
    and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer
    drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator
    responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to
    retrieve it."

    The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and
    you are not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial
    lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
    take everything you own."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't
    know how we settle disputes in Cornwall. We settle small disagreements like
    this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

    The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

    The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on
    my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me
    three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

    The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and
    decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
    local custom.

    The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
    walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
    steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

    His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last
    meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's
    third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

    Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength
    the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the
    arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can
    have the duck."

    When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what
    you hear.
    When you're intelligent, you know which half.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  2. An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
    “But grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
    “You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘Times up’?”
  3. A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
    Passenger: “Who?’”
    Cabbie: “Frank. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank every single time.”
    Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
    Cabbie: “Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
    Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
    Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank could do everything right.”
    Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
    Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank.”
    Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
    Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his bloody wife.”
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse’s outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can’t hold down a job, she’s not for him
  5. I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few... I noticed two quite large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
    One of them chirped: “It’s Wales, you friggin’ idiot!”
    So I immediately apologised and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
    That’s the last thing I remember.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England .

    At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies.

    "Watch and learn, bro," answers one of the Maoris.

    They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

    Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

    The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So, after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

    When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Maori.

    "Watch and learn, bro, " answers an Aussie.

    When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train duly departs.

    Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
    • Like Like x 2
  7. A former Sergeant Major in the Australian Army Corps took a new job as a
    high school teacher in South Australia. Just before the school year
    started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a thin plaster cast
    around his chest and upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fitted
    under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.
    On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
    students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new
    teacher was a former Army NCO, were wary of him but he knew they would be
    testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy
    classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his
    desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and
    stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence...
    The rest of the year went very smoothly.
  8. *A young woman had been taking golf lessons.*
    *She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a
    bee sting. *
    *Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for
    help and to complain.*
    *Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are
    you back in so early?*
    *What's wrong?'*
    *'I was stung by a bee', she said.*
    *'Where?', he asked.*
    *'Between the first and second hole', she replied.*
    *He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  9. Japanese Hotel Service
    A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan ..
    Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting,
    he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the
    'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the
    hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve
    your purposes.'
    Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted 15.00
    and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to
    buzz and whirl.
    Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his
    reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
    Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,
    'Manicures, 20.00 Yen'.
    'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into
    the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later
    he pulled
    out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
    The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men
    Need When Away from Their Wives, 1
    The salesman looked both ways, put one Yen in the machine, unzipped his
    fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the
    opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony
    and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off..
    With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit...
    ....which now had a button sewn neatly on the end..
    • Like Like x 2
  10. Bravo! Some good ones in there.
  11. I became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate my aircraft on radar, ATC asked me, "What was your last known position?"
    My reply, "When I was number one for takeoff".

    Me and my co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport we'd had never been to before. I looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?""Well we better, we're almost out of fuel." So I got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then I set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. My hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. We touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "PHEW! That was CLOSE!" I yelled, "That runway was SHORT!" "Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
  12. After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

    Now ... I have a $1m home, a $100k car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

    Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
  13. The Great Australian Drover

    Drover: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."

    Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

    Drover: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."




    • Funny Funny x 1
  15. One of the best jokes I have ever heard.
  16. Irish pilots
  17. So I have suspected for sometime now that my wife has been seeing some man on the side. The usual red flags are there, She hides her phone screen, new underwear all the time, she goes out with "the girls" a lot! I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyways.. Last night around midnight I hid behind my Road King waiting for her to come home. When she got to the house, she got out of someones car while buttoning her shirt back up, then took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment while I was crouched behind my Road King that i noticed a hairline crack in the rear shock linkage. Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out.
    After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
    She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
    About that time, I got home and realised her predicament.. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
    The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.)
    Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
    The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them……I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
  19. A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
    The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
    demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

    So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
    The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms.

    The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

    When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
    narrative portion of the ticket.
    He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
    The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and
    demands to know what it stands for.

    The officer says,
    "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"

    Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number
    of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

    On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

    Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

    Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

    Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

    "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

    "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

    "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir."

    "Aggressive and Hostile?"

    "Yes, Sir.

    "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"

    Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

    How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client!!!
    • Funny Funny x 2