OK. So there I am, kinda zoning out on a beautiful Melbourne day, riding beside the beach in two lanes of light traffic. Life is good, I'm smiling in my helmet and thinking happy thoughts, when a head, neck and half a body sticks out of the rear passenger window of the car on my right and proceeds to start hurling abuse at me. The head belonged to one damn big German Shepherd with teeth the size of my fingers, and man, was he pissed about something. Now I'm a pretty calm rider and it takes a bit to faze me, but a dog's head suddenly snapping and snarling inches away from my throttle arm sure put an end to my happy reverie. I can barely mono, so I was quite surprised to find that I was capable of bunny-hopping a 250kg bike about four feet to the left while doing 60km/h. When I got control of the wobbles I headed off the sidewalk and back onto the road, thinking thoughts that would probably get me tarred and feathered by the RSPCA. Round one to the dog. I caught up to the car with the dog in it, and sure enough the bike-hating cross-bred wolf tried to leap out on me again. As I'd left more of a gap this time, and had noticed that there was no way he'd get his horse-sized body all the way out of the window (and feeling a bit confident with my newly acquired bunny-hopping skills), I wasn't overly worried, so I started barking back at him. Wow, I thought he was pissed before, but that was obviously just a warm-up on his way to truly psychotic canineville. That mutt wanted me reallllly badly. I dropped my speed off a bit and let the car pull ahead. Big mistake. I didn't realise just how much saliva and foam that hell-hound was capable of producing, but he kept barking and snapping and slavering out the window while looking back at me, and I got the second grossest shower I've ever had (the most gross shower involved a broken pipe on a sewerage truck, but that's another story). Fine, round two to him as well. After I had head-checked, indicated and pulled in behind the car to escape that warm sticky rain, I scraped off the excess slobber from my visor and thought about tactics for round three. I didn't have to think too hard though, because that rabid mutt had seen where I went and was proceeding to try to bite though the rear window of the car, presumably to launch himself at me. He had to keep moving around though, to find clear spots on the rear window cause he was going bezerk, foaming and slobbering and it was going absolutely everywhere. I could still hear his crazed barking and snarling (despite engine and road noise) even after he'd covered that rear window good. Feeling that managing to drive him to such an extreme response (and also getting a bit worried he might actually break through the back-window), I decided to call round three mine and get the hell out of there. I pulled back into the left lane and started to accelerate past the car, when wouldn't you know it, a damn traffic light goes red up ahead. So there I was, stopped at a red light when this car pulled up beside me, with my fanged nemesis almost killing himself to get at me out the rear passenger window. Wondering what sort of guy would own such a beast I inched forward a bit and looked across at the car driver. The very big bearded car driver with tattoos on his neck. The very big and very angry car driver who was screaming, shaking, beating at the steering wheel, snarling and foaming at the mouth too. (Oh boy, how long is this light going to stay red?) I started to make out words in the driverâ€™s screaming rant, and breathed a small sigh of relief when I realised it was directed at the devil dog, not at me. Haha you stupid mutt, now youâ€™ve been a bad dog and youâ€™re in trouble with someone a lot bigger than me. Surely thatâ€™s the fourth round to me. The light went green, I took off, and apparently the red-eyed mutt must have launched himself at me because in my mirror the last thing I saw of them was the car still stopped at the lights and the driver and the dog in the front seat wrestling and trying to bite each other. I think round five went my way, but Iâ€™ve still got to clean all that slobber off my bike and my leathers, so maybe it was a tie.